Bob
Northwest Theatre Arts
Artistic
About the project and the company
Please read the script, understand the short term limited production or ask about it.
Job Description
Lead role -see script
Required Qualifications
Mature nale
Desired Qualifications
See script
Other details
THE SHAPES OF LEAVES
SYNOPSIS
Butch is a gifted and creative botanist and dendrologist, quite academic, but with a vision for improving the trees we plant and the way we capture carbon dioxide to save the planet from global warming; but he can’t get venture capital funding because he’s African American. His wife Betsy, also African American, gets how special her husband is, how right he is, and how unlikely funding is; while their friend Ben, Caucasian, in his special business group, does get funding, easily, because of who he is, slick, white, and gay.
Butch sees the clear cuts around him, also the inadequate governmental response, and the failure to really care about or accept his significant ideas about how to respond to or deal with global warming for the next generation. Meanwhile, Ben’s parents want grandchildren, the next generation, and they see Belle, although she seems a little loopy at times, as exactly the right kind of woman; they find her very “bearable”, able to bear the grandchildren they want.
Butch is fighting for trees, social trees, against global warming and careless clear cuts; Ben’s parents want grandchildren and want Ben, maybe, to be a little different. Belle has a dream. In the end, they get some “adventure” capital, as Ben’s father calls it; they get to plant some tree bundles which Butch designs; Belle is part of the team; and the next generation is on the way.
CHARACTERS
(All characters are intelligent, caring people, if somewhat different and special.)
BETSY F, 35, African American, bright and sensible
BUTCH M, 35 African American, bright and lost in big ideas
BEN M, 35 Gay, down to earth successful
BEVERLY F, 55 Ben’s Mother, able to get what she wants
BOB M, 55 Ben’s Father, happy to help his wife get what she wants
BELLE F, 20+ Dreamer, hard worker
SETTING
The street in front of a clear cut in a suburban area (Seattle, Washington or anywhere.)
SCENE BREAKDOWN
Two acts, no scene divisions within acts.
ACT I
(Butch kneels stage right, his back to the audience, sifting through dirt he picks up from the ground, occasionally with a magnifying glass. He makes notes on his laptop. Betsy and Ben enter from stage left and don’t see him at first.)
BETSY
He’s around here somewhere. He forgets about lunch. And don’t go strutting around, grinning about your latest success and sending him into anaphylactic shock.
BEN
What’s ana whatever you said shock?
BETSY
Shock at something you’re allergic to: you, with that silly grin about your latest triumph.
BEN
I never know whether you make up words or don’t know what you’re talking about.
BETSY
Butch could get allergic to a supercilious friend always succeeding at what he’s failing at.
BEN
Super what? Does all this mean I can or can’t mention my latest triumph.
BETSY
There he is. Butch, Ben’s here, as usual, glowing, showing, blowing off.
BUTCH
Looking very pleased about yourself today.
BEN
Now Betsy. What do I have to show off about? I’d love hearing how you think I shine.
BETSY
I don’t know about shining but you're gloating like a goat.
BUTCH
Too beautiful a morning for you two to mess it up with your interminable arguing, usually about me. They’ve just clear cut this beautiful temperate forest.
BEN
Butch, it’s a vacant lot.
BUTCH
Ben, firs, cedars, big leaf maples absorbing light. They left this (holds some dirt.) Do you know what dirt is?
BEN
I’m not the expert you are but I don't see a single tree. And this is dirt!
BUTCH
Right but wrong. Tiny root hairs that you can barely see with the naked eye, root hairs of giant trees, modest bushes, fungi. Dirt, believe it or not, is where the action is.
BEN
What action is that if you can’t see it? Root hairs? I guess I’ve heard part of this before.
BUTCH
You have, but not about this clear cut. Every clear cut deserves its own requiem. Root hairs exchange water and nutrients with the soil, and with root hairs of other plants, and there are endless root hairs of mushrooms. You know that?
BEN
(Ben rolls his eyes.) Not as much as you do.
BUTCH
They put electrodes down in the soil and found electric signals moving through the mushroom root hairs, with spikes and patterns transmitting information.
BEN
That’s where you go wrong! No venture capitalist wants to hear that the mushrooms are whispering together unless you’re asking them to fund a grade B horror film.
BUTCH
Through root hairs, chemicals are filtered in to support life and enable growth, forests. Creatures eat the vegetable matter and one another. Lie still and they’ll eat you too.
BEN
Great. Creatures eating each other, eating me and talking about it. The horror movie continues.
Next you’ll tell me leaves have ears and can hear the roots talking
BUTCH
Leaves take in carbon dioxide for growth, especially excess carbon dioxide in the air; too much carbon dioxide in the air is currently this world’s most critical problem.
BETSY
Ben, you’re baiting Butch now. (Ben smirks.)
BUTCH
There’s so much more to dirt than you think. (Comically, tries to force Ben to look at it.) Look!
BEN
(Avoiding the dirt.) It’s still dirt, right? It’s dirty, whatever else it is.
BETSY
Come back for lunch. Forget this argument. Or bring it with you.
BEN
Can I tell you about my latest triumph now? (Butch scowls.) My success is not your failure.
BUTCH
Isn’t it? In a zero sum game, if you get the venture capital, then probably I don’t.
BETSY
It’s lunchtime.
BUTCH
You’ll fill my mouth with food, so I can’t talk, then argue about, my failure, Ben’s success?
BEN
You think we argue about you. We don’t actually argue. We enumerate the points that would align themselves on each side if we were to argue, actually, about the state of the world.
BUTCH
That’s quite a mouthful for you.
BETSY
Butch here, who happens to be my husband, (Butch stares) and a damn good man at that…
BEN
His being your husband is irrelevant. There is no prejudice in logical thought.
BUTCH
You never say anything logical.
BEN
That’s my best strength.
BETSY
Butch has great ideas on how to improve management of our planet’s plant stock.
BEN
With a plan to plant plant stock. Eloquent. Flowers are plants, attractive around your house.
BETSY
Flowers don’t count. They’re only nominally plants, part of the plant.
BEN
Surely your botanist husband has much to do with the floral cacophony on your porch.
BETSY
Ca what? Don’t worry. I know the word. But you’re not as stupid as you pretend. My botanist husband couldn’t tell a pansy from a petunia and couldn’t grow either.
BUTCH
You’re supposed to be on my side.
BEN
I’m more likely to support you, without the baggage of marital stress. We are all family.
BUTCH
How are we family?
BEN
You’re Butch Stevenson; here’s Betsy Stevenson, I’m Ben Sharp. I’m not as good with flowers. That’s why you got the trophy.
BUTCH
I do trees, not so much flowers. What trophy?
BETSY
Plant stock is much more important than flowers. And I am not a trophy.
BEN
You’re at the top of your game today, Betsy. I should have worn better arguing shoes.
BETSY
How do shoes help you argue? (Ben bounces like a boxer.) I remember coming down the street one day, Butch on his knees checking out the soil and you looking over his shoulder, as if to steal his wallet.
BUTCH
I don’t carry a wallet.
BETSY
He wouldn’t know that. I almost clocked you. Then we find out you develop companies, go after venture capital, which is exactly what Butch can’t get, but you get lots of.
BEN
Butch specializes in plants and leaves.
BETSY
Butch has great ideas that need venture capital but would benefit everyone, especially people faced with drought. If we don’t help them where they are, they’ll come over here and we don’t want that. You offered some promise of help and kept hanging around gloating.
BEN
I don’t gloat or hang. I heard for science and the world to survive, truth is what’s important.
BETSY
Don’t go flirting about truth. The point is Butch here, no matter how good his ideas, can’t get any venture capital to get started,
BUTCH
We can’t be saying ’can’t', can we? What we can say is that he hasn’t.
BETSY
Because of things having nothing to do with a good venture capital project.
BEN
For example, skin color. (Betsy gasps.) What? Nothing to be sensitive about. Just an ugly fact.
BUTCH
My skin color is not an ugly fact.
BETSY
The ugly fact is that you don’t get venture capital, because of your dark skin color.
BUTCH
No matter how excellent a venture I present, even knowing leaves which, as you know, come in all shapes and sizes and colors and textures and still, they’re all leaves.
BEN
We’re all leaves. I get it. Is this about leaves or about skin color or about venture capital?
BETSY
While our dear Butch gets no venture capital at all, the leaf named Ben comes by often to tell us of his venture capital and considers himself a friend. Ben is a leaf of another sort.
BEN
I am definitely a leaf of a different shape.
BUTCH
He’s the enemy. He gets my venture capital.
BEN
A friend! You always have the secret hope I’d get some venture capital to share. (Butch shrugs “no”.) I love hearing about your proposed projects.
BETSY
Your projects are dumb and make no difference to anyone. Your silly grin is outshining today’s friendly sun, and probably explains your strutting our way this morning. Your last idea was selling tickets for some events in some new way I couldn’t understand.
BEN
You don’t go to events.
BETSY
TV is fine. No tickets. You invented a “ticket” business beyond any need; it seemed a good idea to someone, who probably couldn’t understand it any better than I.
BEN
To pitch a project, no understanding by venture capitalists is requested or required.
BUTCH
That’s why we hate you.
BEN
You don’t hate me. We’re good friends now, with all the jealousy good friends should have.
BETSY
They funded your ticket project. You bought a new car.
BUTCH
An ugly car.
BETSY
And the investors lost all their money.
BEN
An awesome car and you wish I’d let you drive it again and the investors made out great. You think it’s important that the project do some good in the world and benefit someone.
BUTCH
Or some part of the planet anyway. Yes.
BEN
The people with money don’t care about that. All we had to do was convince the current ticket sales industries that we were a big threat . They had to buy us out or else.
BETSY
Or else what?
BEN
Doesn’t matter. They bought us out. We all made money, especially yours truly.
BETSY
Except for the people who lost money.
BEN
They can afford it and I’m out of the ticket sales business. That’s cash in the bank.
BUTCH
You got the money, as you’re making abundantly clear.
BEN
The money is abundant but the main thing is the “exit strategy” they teach in business schools. No matter what you do, get out of it quickly and let someone else worry about it.
BETSY
Before they catch you.
BEN
Usually, you sell your company to a large corporation, and they fill up your bank account.
Your mistake, Butch, one of them, is having a project people think they have to think about.
BUTCH
I put it as simply as it can be put.
BEN
People hate to think. Worst of all, because your project is about something real and known, trees to be specific, people think they ought to understand what you’re talking about.
BETSY
I understand it, sort of, sometimes.
BEN
Venture capitalists get annoyed when you make them think. They don’t want to think, don’t understand, get too uncomfortable to get out their checkbooks and signing pens.
BETSY
They might allow that the project principal is smarter and understands the project.
BEN
Not in this case. It might be acceptable to acknowledge someone is a more educated, a brighter scientist than I am, on the subject of leaves or whatever, but not if he’s…
BETSY
A leaf of the wrong color. Right?
BUTCH
You guys are too cynical for me. Leaves come in many different shapes and sizes.
BEN
We get it.
BUTCH
Where it rains hard, a tree’s higher leaves may trap water, but then bend with the water’s weight, so water eventually gets down to the soil and the roots. Where it’s just drizzly, water trapped on the upper leaves could evaporate there and never got to the roots.
BEN
(Rolls his eyes.) There is a point here, right?
BETSY
There always is. It’s not bad enough my husband’s a botanist. He’s also a philosopher.
BUTCH
Some trees have smaller leaves at the top, to let the scant water available and the sun through to the lower leaves and the water to the roots.
BEN
You’re always lecturing. And you want us to think that’s the way society works or doesn’t work but should work. You see? You’re making us think and it’s before lunch.
BUTCH
It’s an example. Forget it. But, Ben, since you really made a bundle on your last startup. I guess congratulations are in order again. Can I borrow five?
BEN
Startup and laid down. Made a bundle. We brought it in and sold out. Peak profits. I’m a freer and wealthier man than before, having executed my exit strategy. Yes! No borrows.
BETSY
You executed something or somebody; you made out though no one benefited in any way.
BEN
That’s the beauty. Who benefits? How benefits? I benefitted. Nothing to argue about
BUTCH
But you’re smiling beyond that. You have another one now, right? With more funding?
Don’t tell me. Maybe tell me. No, don’t. It’s probably sleight of hand like all your things.
BEN
Yes, sleight of hand or foot. Limping slightly, hand in the till. It’s simple sounding so no one thinks they have to think about it, at least the way I say it.
BUTCH
There’s nothing so complicated about what I’m proposing either. Leaves evaporate water and absorb carbon dioxide through their stomata to convert carbon dioxide into energy, the basis of all food. They keep the atmospheric carbon dioxide level down so we can breathe and live.
BEN
You lose. “Evaporate” has four syllables. So does “atmospheric”; “carbon dioxide” has five. You’re talking about leaves, which I think I know a lot about because I see them. I know as much about them as I want to. You’re telling me I’m supposed to know more. That’s rude.
BETSY
Rude?
BEN
Then you’re talking about “stomata.” Come on.
BUTCH
Stomata only has three syllables.
BEN
But what syllables! And I’m not giving any money to someone who uses the word ‘stomata’. Get it? If anyone knows the plural of the word stomata, no one’s talking. The plural of tomato is tomatoes.
BUTCH
Stomata is the plural.
BEN
Some people are sure stomata is already plural. Wow. But then nobody knows the singular.
BETSY
Ben’s right. Once a word like stomata gets into the discussion, everybody’s on their guard. Who knows what words are going to get in next? Or whose pocket your hand’s in.
BUTCH
Damn you two. I know the singular. The two of you are supposed to be on different sides. Someone is supposed to be on my side.
BETSY
We’re both on your side.
BUTCH
Our planet’s about to evaporate and die from a climate galloping out of control with too much carbon dioxide; we’re choking in less and less breathable air. I offer a solution, lovely tree bundles, easy and quick to plant, climate change reversing and inexpensive.
BEN
Through the stomata, right? It could be good, except for the stomata part. Stomata not good.
BETSY
It’s a beautiful idea, baby. We know that, but nobody’s buying it. Take a position at a University, teach young people about stomata. They, at least, think they need to know.
BEN
Young people can probably understand stomata better than we can anyway.
BUTCH
Anybody can teach elementary biology. This idea can make a difference, help save the planet, leave something important for our children.
BETSY
We have enough children. That’s for sure. They grow like leaves on a tree.
BEN
Just two. Really, Butch. I’m not against leaves or children.
BETSY
How do you know how many? Children are good, but sometimes it seems like there’s a lot of them, especially in our house, like the leaves on the lawn, which needs raking, Butch.
BUTCH
I’ll rake the lawn later. What you say may be why I haven’t gotten venture capital, but none of it explains why you get backing so easily.
BEN
Because of who I am. Like you don’t get it because of who you are. See?
BETSY
Not exactly.
BEN
Because of who they think you are. There’s wealthy people at the gym I go to; they’re like me; some have venture capital and want to fund ventures of people of their own kind.
BUTCH
Which you are, of their own kind.
BEN
Definitely of their kind. Who’s proposing is as important as what’s proposed, maybe more. People who get venture capital are white and it helps a little if you’re the right kind.
BUTCH
Which I’m not.
BETSY
Definitely not, not the right kind. Not during the day, and not at night.
BUTCH
Okay. Don’t over-advertise the product and who are you advertising to? Is it fair that “kind of person” is more important than substance in this business?
BEN
Absolutely, definitely fair, whatever the rules are, if they benefit me, if I get funding. Get real. What’s the definition of fairness you’re working with?
(We hear an automobile car horn and Beverly hurries on stage with Bob behind her.)
BEVERLY
(To Ben.) There you are. We rang at your condo and no answer. (To Betsy.) We rang at his condo. I figured he’s not gallivanting around this early in the day so (To Ben.) you must be walking around the neighborhood bragging, and here you are, bragging. We saw your hands (imitates him.)waving around when we looked out from the car.
BEN
Bragging, yes. But my hands were not waving around.
BETSY
Waving and pontificating.
BEVERLY
Congratulations on your new success. (To Butch.) He bought that funny ostentatious car last time, a little ugly, right? (To Ben.) What are you going to buy this time to show off?
BEN
Mom, how did you know and how do you manage to get so much wrong in so few words?
BOB
Ben, show a little bit more appreciation and respect for your mother. Shouldn’t he dear? (He looks at her and she nods.)
BUTCH
Be careful about your parents. They’re your treasure.
BEN
I suppose you were adopted and had it real rough.
BUTCH
As a matter of fact, you don’t want to know what it is without folks. I wish I remembered walking in the woods with my mother, or going to see Santa with my father. (Ben starts to talk.) I never even knew my mother or my father. And you don’t know what adoption’s like.
BEN
Prospective parents come check you out, right? You’re the kid they want right away, right?
BUTCH
Being checked out for adoption is a little like being on the slave block, isn’t it? You belong to whoever is willing to pay for you. And they can return you, warrantee or not, or just resell.
BETSY
Nonsense.
BUTCH
So, I pushed the metaphor, but I hate it.
BEVERLY
Sympathies. Anyway, Ben has a different problem with his two parents.
BEN
Two (holds up two fingers) many parents.
BEVERLY,
But apparently plenty of his friends, like him and willing to finance his projects.
BOB
Too many wealthy friends like him and too many parents. Two, too many. (To his wife Beverly.) Are we? (She shakes her head “no”.)
BEN
Dad, I wish you two were more careful with what, how you talk about me and my life stye.
BOB
We’re not (pause) talking to you (pause) or about you.
BEVERLY
I have to say things my way, don’t I? (To Betsy.) Don’t we?
BOB
(To Ben) Beverly’s good (pause) at saying things her way,(pause) isn’t she? For years, (pause) I thought she was (pause) saying things wrong (pause) and I corrected her. (To everyone.) you have to try to correct someone when someone’s wrong, right? No matter who they are? Then I realized she does it on purpose, her way. (To Beverly.) Right?
BEN
Dad, why do you talk in pulses of three words.
BOB
Only to you. Because I want you to understand.
BEN
I understand, pulsing or not.
BEVERLY
Ben , Bob, both. Don’t deflect this discussion on some technicalities of truth. This discussion is going exactly where I want it to go, even if it needs some coaxing.
BOB
Yep. Good morning guys, Betsy, Butch. Always good to see you. Butch, what an amazing field your botany is! You counting the losses in that new clear cut? Terrible. And I like how you nurture the flowers at your house.?
BETSY
He doesn’t nurture flowers at our house. Good morning. They’re my flowers. (Butch nods.)
BOB
With true humility. I know where that comes from and you always remind me of that.
BETSY
You always pretend to forget, to tease.
BOB
Yeah. Of all the people Ben brags to, you’re probably his favorites, mine too. Except I don’t tease or brag. Do I, Beverly? (She shakes her head “no”.) When Ben has something to brag about, we can often find him with you, yapping it up. Right son?
BEN
I’m not yapping anything up.
BUTCH
He’s been doing some yapping, for sure.
BOB
Told you.
BETSY
And lecturing too, whichever is worse. Butch lectures about trees and Ben yaps about the secrets of success.
BOB
Bragging and yapping. Two of his favorites. You’re two of his favorites as an audience to hear about his success, and yapping and bragging are two of his favorite pastimes.
BEN
My own parents might be excited and happy for me, instead of slandering me.
BOB
That’s (pause) part of our job (pause) as parents, (pause) to complain about you (pause) and make you (pause) a better person.
BEVERLY
Well, succeeding is better than gallivanting about.
BEN
First of all, I do not gallivant, not anymore. I’m going steady. Mom, I told you that.
BEVERLY
With a young lady, we hope.
BEN
No, with a young man. I told you about him. Why would I go steady with a young lady?
BOB
To give your mother grandchildren. (To Beverly) Right? (To Ben.) You do remember that obligation, don’t you?
BUTCH
I think Ben walks the streets he wants to walk.
BEN
I don’t walk the streets.
BOB
Good. Ben, you’re… (To Butch.) Ben tells me you’re finding the best trees for each ecosystem to save us from globally baking ourselves.
BUTCH
I didn’t know Ben could or would understand or repeat what we say here. I take back everything, well most of the thoughts I have about him.
BEN
Are we changing the subject here? There’s still more slander to correct.
BOB
Forget the slander, Ben. Butch, you have good ideas about future generations; you’ll need resources for proof of concept and a start up. I’m sure your ship will come in.
BETSY
He was looking for some cash more than an evening sail.
BOB
The wind will come up and you’ll probably get both.
BUTCH
You’re good people. Thanks. Would you like to look at some dirt through this magnifying glass?
BEVERLY
Probably not before lunch. (Butch tries to corner them with a handful of dirt.) He’s driving.
BOB
I’m going to leave the dirty business to you.
BEN
Dad, don’t tease Butch. He works hard at his ideas.
BOB
I’m sure he does (pause) unlike some (looks at Ben) and I’m not teasing.
BEVERLY
(To Betsy.) At a certain point in a woman’s life, after she no longer gives birth to her own babies, I’m sure you understand, a woman needs grandchildren. (Ben moves to say something.) Don’t interrupt. It’s becomes unhealthy not to have grandchildren. (To Ben.) That’s your responsibility: to bring home the grand babies.
BEN
I don’t do that, Mom. I told you. You said you accepted it, me, my life style, whatever.
BEVERLY
I accept all those things. I love and accept you, how you live and whatever you do. But people can change, get better and live up to their responsibilities and their parents’ expectations.
BEN
To have grandchildren? Those are my responsibilities?
BOB
(Bob nods and points at him.) You got it.
BEVERLY
Before worrying about your grandchildren, your responsibility is to have children to provide me with grandchildren. A few children wouldn’t shatter your life style.
BEN
Children, who you, presumably, will take care of.
BEVERLY
Absolutely not! What’s the fun of that? We’ve gone over this. The most important thing about grandchildren, at least for a grandmother, is that someone else takes care of them, especially when they’re fussy.
BEN
Mom.
BEVERLY
Don’t Mom me. I’ve taken care of children, as a mother. Grandmothers take care of the grandchildren only when they’re happy and need no care.
BOB
There is something grand about grandchildren, the children of our children, abstractly. They don’t demand constant care from us. That may be why their grandparents usually think they’re so grand. We’d like to experience that, wouldn’t we? (Beverly nods.)
BEN
Why can’t Dad provide you grandchildren? He likes that sort of thing. Look at me.
BEVERLY
If he did anything like that with another woman, he would live to regret it so fast, he wouldn’t live long enough to do anything like that. I wouldn’t approve. And, whatever children he’d make with whomever, if that’s what you‘re thinking, would not be grandchildren, not mine; they’d be something else. Too complicated to figure out.
BEN
I don’t think I can do this, Mom. People are the kinds of leaves they are, as Butch would say. A maple leaf can’t become an oak leaf.
BOB
A budding botanist.
BUTCH
I don’t remember ever saying anything like that, even if it’s true.
BETSY
Close enough maybe to things you say. Now, you don’t have to say it. Ben said it for you.
BUTCH
Leaves differ. Leaves that get detached from their trees die.
BEVERLY
Butch knows his trees; he's right. A maple leaf that breaks from its tree dies. Butch just said that, didn’t he? It doesn’t become an oak leaf. Ben, you’re not attached enough to the tree you came from, me. If breaking away means death for a leaf, you’ve broken away so many times, no surgeon could make you live again.
BETSY
Come over for lunch? Maybe this discussion shouldn’t take place on the street.
BEVERLY
Ben’s not shy. He’s even given to bragging.
BEN
Unfortunately, neither is anyone else in this family shy. But I don’t brag, ever.
BOB
You’re telling everyone about the funding your project is getting from the adventure capitalists. (Ben shakes his head in disbelief at the phrase.)
BEVERLY
Telling your friends (faces them) about your success, (to Ben) and losing no time in doing it.
BEN
Telling is not bragging.
BUTCH
Seems about the same to me.
BETSY
Butch, hush up and let them have their argument in peace. They don’t need our help and I’d rather watch than participate.
BEN
And, Dad, it’s venture capital not adventure anything. And it’s capital, not capitalists.
BOB
They’re people who have money, that’s the capitalist part; they want to ride their money through an adventure that someone else lives. What else is money for?
BEN
Fine. And, as long as I’m correcting accusations, everyone is jealous of my car but I didn’t buy it to show off; I didn’t buy it just because I got funding. I only buy what I need.
BEVERLY
Very little is bought because people need what they’re buying. Buying is mostly showing off.
BUTCH
Right on.
BEN
What are you going to do when you get funding?
BUTCH
I’m going to try to make sure these clear cuts don’t happen, that the people whose land has been taken from them have a place to live.
BEN
They sold the land they had.
BUTCH
If they sold anything. Maybe they were renters and now they can’t afford to live around here. As far as trees go, the County has some stupid law that 10% of the trees have to be replaced by trees that are guaranteed to live seven years. They can die in year eight and they probably will; and no one has to replace them.
BEN
You the lawyer for the world’s trees as well as their advocate?
BOB
That’s sad. Isn’t it? (Beverly nods.)
BUTCH
One big tree cut down here would absorb more carbon dioxide in one year than all the wrong trees the developer puts in here will absorb in their lifetimes.
BETSY
Take it easy, Butch.
BUTCH
We can plant better, even if we let them clear cut and let them make big money doing it.
BEN
That’s another thing you don’t want to tell prospective investors, what they can do better, no matter how good you think your ideas are.
BOB
Ben does tell me how good your ideas are. At least I find them interesting. About studying dirt and the fine hairs of mushrooms in the dirt.
BUTCH
Oh my god. Ben’s been listening.
BEN
Not carefully. My father’s making this up as he goes along.
BEN
You see. There you go. No potential investor is going to want to invest in mushroom hairs.
BOB
I don’t know. I think it’s interesting.
BEN
You’re not a potential investor.
BOB
No, an adventure cap…
BEN
Don’t say it. Okay? And Butch, don’t say anything more about that kind of thing.
BUTCH
But I was going to tell you about eyes.
BEN
No. Don’t tell us about stuff like that, whatever’s like that. We’re horrified enough.
BETSY
There must be something else we can discuss. Why don’t the two of you tell us what you’re really up to.
BEVERLY
Us? Me? Up to? You mean why we’re visiting?
BETSY
Exactly. Why?
BEVERLY
You mean grandchildren?
BETSY
Why not? Maybe that’s the reason you came over visiting.
BEVERLY
Yes, tell us the reason you came over for.
BOB
Why we’re here? You want to know? Maybe we’re up to no good. But as a matter of fact…
BEVERLY
I’ll tell. There’s a young lady, cousin Belinda. Should we tell them about Belinda?
BOB
Her name’s Belle. Isn’t it? (Beverly turns away.)
BEVERLY
Everyone calls her Belinda. (Looks at her husband.) I call her that. Her name’s something like that, Belinda Something. I’d like to show her to you , introduce you to her, especially Ben.
BEN
Are you serious? Belinda Something? Show her? Am I supposed to buy her? Introduce me to her? Is she supposed to… Never mind.
BOB
The two of you, (pause) as man and woman…
BUTCH
Watch that. Here we talking biblical now. And are we finished talking about trees and leaves?
BETSY
Butch. Yes, for now. Stay out of it.
BUTCH
I can’t tell what it is so how can I stay out.
BOB
We’re serious, sort of, (to Ben) and so is Belle, a serious person, very serious, almost dour.
BEN
And this dour Belle Belinda Something is my cousin? A cousin I’ve never heard of before?
BEVERLY
Not your cousin maybe, but probably somebody’s cousin, so I call her cousin Belinda. You’ll like her once you meet her.
BEN
I like her already but I don’t see women in that way, Mom; you know that.
BOB
Don’t contradict your mother.
BEN
I didn’t.
BOB
But you were almost going to.
BEVERLY
I know what you’re saying, Ben. And I accept that; I accept everything about you. Your life is your life and you have to find your own way, and do what you think is best for you. (To Betsy.) He does, right? You’re a mother and would understand. But there is the question of grandchildren and I do think you’ll like Belinda. She’s not very feminine.
BEN
Then I’m sure to like her.
BEVERLY
Well, you don’t like women so I figured the less womanly the better.
BEN
We get it, Mom. I like women but not in that way.
BEVERLY
She’ll be along eventually. She’s the kind that keeps her own time. You should like that too.
BOB
She’s prompt, probably.
BEN
Why would I like that she keeps her own time? I don’t even wear a watch.
BEVERLY
That’s why and you never know what time it is unless you take your cell phone out.
BEN
What’s wrong with that?
BEVERLY
Everything. It’s clumsy, socially. And you can’t keep time in your pocket. You have to act.
BOB
You’ll pull it together, Ben. I know you will.
BEN
Pull what?
BOB
A good thing is coming (pause) for you three. Butch, a good deal, for you. Betsy, for you, maybe.
BEN
And me?
BOB
(Smiles.) Definitely. We’re off. We’ve said enough. (He gently takes Beverly by the hand, romantically, and they exit. Beverly waves.)
BEN
My parents often talk silly and it often seems they don’t know what’s going on.
BETSY
Our oldest is eight and he already says that about us, that we don’t know what’s going on. All parents seem like that to their kids, but I think your folks do know what’s going on. It’s just that they often seem to have something up their sleeves.
BEN
It’s a drag sometimes.
BUTCH
Ben, I like your folks too. They’re dishonest in a very wholesome way.
BEN
Dishonest?
BUTCH
In a good way, not a bad way. Like saying my ship will come in. My ship won’t come in.
BETSY
Unless you grab it by the forestay and haul it in.
BEN
I didn’t know ships had forearms.
BUTCH
Forestay.
BEN
Whatever that is. You both have a problem with words people don’t understand. Don’t you?
BUTCH
People? You have a problem with words you don’t understand or pretend not to understand. Anyway, your folks, they’re good people.
BEN
Even though they do bad stuff, interfere in my lifestyle.
BETSY
Maybe your folks interfere in your lifestyle, but my kids are not going to have a lifestyle. That’s for sure. If they do, they’re going to hear no end of interfering.
BUTCH
That’s going to make Ben think we don’t approve.
BETSY
You can be what you like, and your folks are very understanding, much more so than we would be. And they haven’t actually done anything to interfere with you.
BELLE
(Entering, goofy looking, dressed awkwardly and nervous.) They said I’d find you here, but they didn’t say why, (Pause.) I mean why you would be here, together. They didn’t say how I would know it was you, but it’s you. I can tell. One of you is Ben?
BUTCH
Why wouldn’t we be here? Is this the site of a horrible travesty?
BELLE
I didn’t say that.
BEN
That’s my good friend Butch and his wife Betsy, and they serve great doughnuts.
BELLE
I don’t eat doughnuts. They’re not very healthy.
BETSY
And I never serve them, especially not in the street.
BEN
I don’t eat doughnuts or serve them. They’re no good for you. I’m Ben. Who are you? Just to make sure.
BELLE
I’m Belle.
BEN
Belle? Cousin Belinda Belle Something, that you? My mother warned me about a cousin Belinda.
BELLE
I’m not dangerous that you needed to be warned and I’ve never gone by the name Belinda. What did she say about me?
BETSY
She didn’t “warn” and, Belinda, he didn’t mean anything rude, not really.
BELLE
Belle. I’m just Belle, not Belinda Belle. Beverly, I think she’s your mother. She wanted me to be Belinda and have some things more romantic about me, but I’m not very romantic. I don’t even like romantic movies very much, not at all really, and I’m not your cousin.
BEN
Not my cousin, absolutely not. I knew that. We don’t even look alike.
BETSY
Actually, you do… look very much alike. You could be cousins, the way your noses go out and then up a little and then to the side.
BEN
My nose does nothing like that.
BELLE
Mine might. I don’t look in the mirror often.
BETSY
You might, look in the mirror I mean, and see how things turn to one side or the other.
BUTCH
Betsy, you could just let them sort it out and not complicate things.
BETSY
What’s the fun in that? Besides, this relates to you, Butch. You realize what’s going on here, don’t you? No, you don’t.
BUTCH
No. We’re only fans, not players on the field. Maybe we’re commentators, about their noses.
BETSY
If they want to be cousins, they can be. And I wanted to mention their noses. They’re cute.
BUTCH
Yes, I guess now you have mentioned it. How’s my nose?
BETSY
You’re good, nose and all, all good.
BELLE
What about our noses? What were you going to say?
BUTCH
That’s exactly the problem. There’s nothing special about your noses to ID you.
BETSY
Except they look like cousin noses, so you could be cousins, as far as your noses go, and maybe your ears.
BELLE
That’s not actually the way it works with cousins, noses and ears, as I understand it. You’re cousins if your parents, some of your parents anyway, are brothers or sisters or something like that. There are distant cousins I guess, and that’s different.
BEN
And kissing cousins. They’re distant but not that distant, not when they’re kissing anyway.
BELLE
We’re not going to be kissing cousins or anything like that. I hope you understand that because that’s the way I understand it. No kissing. Your folks told you I’d be by. Right?
BEN
No. Well, yes.
BELLE
To discuss things.
BEN
Yes. No. Did they say what things?
BELLE
It’s kind of awkward just blurting it out. I was hoping you would lead the discussion.
BEN
The discussion of what?
BELLE
The things we’re supposed to discuss, the discussion we’re supposed to have.
BUTCH
If you ever discuss things, I guess you’ll have a discussion; but you’re getting nowhere so far.
BETSY
I don’t know. It’s pretty interesting so far. Belle, Belinda, tell us what you want?
BELLE
Just Belle.
BETSY
I know, just a love tease.
BELLE
(Nervous and then erupting.) Look. I don’t know you. I was told to come here. Seems you don’t know me or why I’m here. If you don’t, then I don’t either, know exactly why I’m here.
BETSY
You say you don’t know why you’re here. Now, if you tell us you also don’t know who you are, you win the overall amnesiatic prize.
BEN
Am what?
BETSY
By the way, you can come a little closer and relax more. We’re not mean. We’re down to earth, soil even. On the other hand, if you’re here because of a dream, I don’t mean a Freudian weirdness dream, but an aspiration, a desire, a hope, then that’s what you should tell us first.
BUTCH
Why? Why do we want to know? Not to be rude but maybe we shouldn’t intrude on Belle’s dreams. They don’t concern us, do they?
BETSY
They may. That may be why she’s here.
BELLE
I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have come. It’s stupid. But he gave me hope and he seemed a nice man.
BETSY
I think he does seem like a nice man. (To Ben.) I think she’s talking about your father.
BEN
He never seemed like a nice man to me.
BETSY
Well, you’re his son. He’s your father. (To Belle.) Tell us. (Belle looks blank.) Whatever you feel like telling us, your aspirations.
BELLE
(Blurts out.) I’ve always wanted to have a flower garden shop, but not with flowers, not where you sell flowers to people going to a dance or trying to impress one another, but where you sell plant concepts. Did you ever think there could be such a thing as a plant concept?
BETSY
(Gently) Yes, what’s a plant concept?
BELLE
I don’t know yet, but I’ll work it out, soon maybe. I have some ideas already that would make my plant shop different and special so people would come to talk about why they want or need plants, what they want the plants to do.
BEN
Plants don’t actually do anything, do they? That’s animals you’re thinking of, that do things, usually stupid things for human animals, but plants usually just hang out and grow.
BUTCH
Ben knows nothing about plants. She is the first person flapping her lips who ever made sense.
BETSY
Really?
BUTCH
I mean the second. And, of course, Ben is missing the whole thing.
BELLE
I don’t flap my lips (she tries and can’t do it). I can’t. And I don’t have the money to try anything like what I’m thinking. I don’t even have the money to shop in the kind of place I want to create, a place of hope, a broad sense of the possibilities of nature, probably high prices.
BETSY
(Gently.) I’m sure, and what else?
BELLE
(Edited.) And a deep esthetic of place and space and time created by living plants, because plants as they grow and have seasons create time, mark time, celebrate time. I’ll need a lot of technical support and not just the usual flowers but all sorts of possibilities, relationships between trees and shrubs and flowers that respond to a person’s inner egos.
BETSY
Butch, you must have put this young lady up to this? Where did you find her? (Butch indicates he knows nothing about it.) No, you didn’t. You’d never think of anything like that.
BUTCH
I think of things.
BETSY
Great things, but I know who thought of these things. What I don’t know is whether I am one of those persons who has inner egos, more than one. Can you believe it? Mine certainly haven’t shown themselves, my inner egos. I hope I’m properly dressed when they come out.
BUTCH
Maybe you don’t see those egos because they’re inner. But you certainly have some and they show to me. You’re always perfectly dressed but sometimes your inner egos hang out a little bit.
BETSY
Hang out so they’re embarrassing?
BUTCH
Hang out so they’re around, socially. (Pause.) Let’s pretend I never said that.
BEN
I’m with Butch. They’re not embarrassing anybody, but you have plenty of inner egos.
BETSY
Really. Egostatically, maybe I do.
BEN
Ego what? It’s worth mentioning though that I don’t understand what Belle said and I like it. That’s what I call a winning pitch. You see I don’t feel a need to understand it. She’s good.
BUTCH
How about we let Belle finish. I think she’s my kind of woman.
BETSY
I was afraid you would think so, especially because of her good looks.
BELLE
You making fun of me? I thought there was no way I’d ever get there, to my aspirations if that’s what they are. I carry this little dream around everywhere. (She shows a little glass ball.) A plant grows in this glass ball, several real plants, see? A miniature earth, round; except the outside is inside.
BEN
With tiny animals and birds and even tinier insects buzzing around. (He looks at it.) This is pretty crazy. (He looks at it again.) Beautiful. Very beautiful.
BUTCH
Yeah. Very. How’d you do this?
BETSY
Careful now how enthusiastic you two get.
BELLE
It absorbs water, a little and some air seeps in to keep it fresh.
BEN
Very nice.
BELLE
Then I met this man; I didn’t meet him. He overheard me saying some of this stuff, because I say it sometimes, when I’m nervous or too relaxed and not being careful, and he was passing by, or maybe standing by and eavesdropping. He said he was a capitalist, a…
BEN
Oh no.
BELLE
(Belle reacts with fear that she said the wrong thing.) What? What did I say?
BEN
You’re fine. There’s no such thing as whatever he said he was. Let’s focus on what he said, this standing around eavesdropper, not what he said he was.
BELLE
He said he was an adventure capitalist, whatever that is. I met him and he said that’s what he was. He said if I believed all that stuff I was saying, I should come here, this was the right place, because only here do people really understand the shapes of leaves.
BEN
That’s something to understand?
BELLE
I do love leaves of different shapes, needles and broad leaves. Do you realize how many shapes leaves come in. Not only do different plants have differently shaped leaves but even on the same plant…
BEN
Yeah, we’ve heard talk about that before, at the top of the tree and the bottom and…
BUTCH
That man heard you talk about this stuff and he said to come here? (Belle nods.) You see? I told you your folks were good dishonest folks.
BEN
What’s dishonest about that?
BELLE
Yeah, what?
BUTCH
Plenty of people know the shapes of leaves, some better than I. I’m one of many leaf lovers. (A bit dreamy.) There sure are lots of beautiful leaf shapes, oblate, toothed, truncate and lanceolate.
BETSY
I saw more than one movie about Sir Lanceolate. He was a knight but the movie was weird; he has a weird relationship with this lady, which they can’t admit to having, not even to each other, definitely not to the king. Is there a king in our story here?
BUTCH
Ben’s mother’s the King.
BELLE
Are you making fun of me? I’m not sure who I came to see, maybe you, but I don’t understand a word you people are saying now. How can a mother be the King?
BETSY
It’s okay. They’ll catch up with us any minute now. You just triggered my husband’s enthusiasm for the plant world, which is pretty easy to trigger. But watch out.
BELLE
Why?
BEN
This person who sent you here, what did he look like?
BELLE
He looked a lot like you. Very plain and pretty weird, but not as weird as you.
BEN
There’s no such thing as whatever he said he was. You know that?
BELLE
He looked a lot like you. Why is it so important to you to deny him what he wants to be?
BETSY
She’s almost perfect, isn’t she?
BUTCH
Do you know what this is, this clear cut?
BELLE
It’s a clear cut.
BUTCH
This clear cut displaced people who used to live here, in small houses, now gone. They were bought out and weren’t paid enough to buy another house around here.
BELLE
I lived here when I was small. By a little creek.
BEN
Sure. There are no creeks on this property.
BUTCH
They ran the creek underground to increase the number of buildings allowed. That wasn’t great for things living by the creek. So you and your mother moved elsewhere around here.
BELLE
I think we couldn’t afford to. I live with my aunt now; I don’t know where my mother is.
BUTCH
Have you seen the dirt here? It’s rich in root hairs.
BEN
It’s regular dirty dirt, that’s what it is and that’s all it is.
BELLE
I bet some of those root hairs are mushroom somethings, (pauses) mycelia.
BEN
What? She’s showing off. She’s just like you, Butch.
BELLE
I’m sorry. Mushrooms live mostly underground, as root hairs or something. We eat just the fruit, sort of, not real fruit but like fruit.
BETSY
Control yourself baby, but she is amazing, isn’t she? Belle, you are amazing.
BEN
Okay, my father sent you here and told you to say all those things, right?
BELLE
Did not.
BEN
Sure. Did he explain why he sent you to us?
BELLE
I told you. He said he was an adventure…
BEN
Don’t repeat that. Why did he send you to us? Why did you come?
BELLE
He said if we could work out the details and get together to produce certain things with trees that one of you here would know about, we would have the money to do it, my shop included, whatever the rest of it turns out to be exactly, with you all involved somehow, and we could, should, start right away because it would take time, months.
BEN
(Raising his voice a little.) Time? To make sales and produce things? Whatever they are. And did he mention what sort of things we would produce? Did he say how many months it would take? Did he say anything that made sense?
BELLE
I think so. He was a nice man.
BUTCH
He’s talking about a company to produce and market the tree pods and bundles that this earth needs to survive. And this young lady is going to understand them and produce them.
BELLE
What? He said something like that.
BUTCH
We’re going to design easy to plant pods, the right tree for a given place, surrounded by the right grasses and shrubs for that location, maybe even a fern, all in one bundle. It will begin trapping carbon dioxide immediately, at a high rate, an even higher rate as the tree grows.
BELLE
I understand that. Plants trap carbon dioxide. You know how to do all that? Grow that’s stuff, plant pods? I can learn.
BETSY
He does know how. And so do you, Belle.
BEN
Then I guess you two would be great partners for that enterprise?
BELLE
I would be, could be, yes. And I would have the nature shop I want. It’s part of the… enterprise. I can see that. I can dream that.
BUTCH
And Ben, you’re going to sell them.
BEN
Me?
BUTCH
Betsy, that’s right. Isn’t it? I think I understand the plan now.
BETSY
Exactly, you sell your dumb projects all the time, not to cast any aspersions, so you can sell anything. You might as well sell something worthwhile.
BUTCH
And you don’t understand what we’re talking about here so you won’t confuse anyone.
BEN
This feels weird. The three of you seem all agreed.
BETSY
(Looks around. Butch and Betsy nod.) We are. And you are too. You’re not so good at making decisions so we’re kind of doing it for you.
BEN
I’m fine at making decisions. You don’t have to talk like that about me. But okay. Suppose we all agree.
BETSY
We do.
BEN
Okay. We all agree. The company exists. But is there something else we’re supposed to produce? My father’s not into plant pods, or venture capital. He could be. Arranging financing? He never offered me money before.
BETSY
You probably never did anything that impressive with your allowance and you never needed his help anyway. Maybe you never cared exactly what he did so you don’t know. And he’s not exactly offering capital to you now, not unless you’re in with the group. That’s what I understand.
BEN
Okay, I’m in with the group. I’m being swept away by your enthusiasm. But my father’s just weird.
BETSY
You’re weird too. Like father like…
BUTCH
Weird or not, your father thinks he, you, someone, can arrange funding for this operation. That’s what’s important.
BEN
There has to be something else he wants.
BETSY
(Laughs.) You still don’t get it.
BEN
Why didn’t he tell me?
BUTCH
You probably wouldn’t listen. Belle listened.
BEN
Belle, is there something else this company we’re creating is supposed to produce, beside plant bundles, as described by words no one understands, except Butch here, and this wonderful enthusiasm you have.
BUTCH
No more enthusiasm than I have for it.
BETSY
I understand. (To Butch.) Baby, I’m happy for you. You’re wonderful too. You, this team, just might make this work. (To Belle.) And you, Belle, you understand perfectly well. Tell them what else you’re going to produce. Tell them how many months it’s going to take.
BEN
She knows? (To Belle.) You know? Betsy, you figured it out. Someone tell the rest of us. I haven’t a clue.
BELLE
You really don’t know, do you?
BEN
No, but somehow he told you? Something else this green conglomerate of weeds is supposed to produce.
BELLE
Yes. (Laughs, a little embarrassed.)
BEN
What else did he tell you?
BELLE
(A little shy.) He told me how many months it will take for the first major production.
BEN
How many?
BELLE
About nine. What?
BEN
Which means? I…
BETSY
Grandchildren. How slow can you be?
BEN
What?
BELLE
You heard her. I know I did.
BUTCH
What does that have to do with tree pods?
BELLE
Grandchildren, yes. He mentioned that.
BEN
For my mother, right? Did my Dad explain that? Mother is such a dominating woman.
BELLE
He didn’t explain. She did.
BEN
She was there? (Belle nods.) She wants grandchildren?
BELLE
She said it’s, not so important how you get there, but there has to be a next generation. She said, “woman to woman” she doesn’t want to interfere with my life or life style, whatever that is, maybe you can see what that is, but she wants grandchildren.
BEN
Your life style? She said you were not very feminine.
BELLE
I’m not sure whose version of femininity you think I’m going to live up to but, whatever I am, that’s what I am. I’m exactly as feminine as I am.
BETSY
You tell ‘em. Absolutely.
BUTCH
You’re okay, lady. There are all kinds of…
BETSY
Leaves.
BUTCH
Yeah, leaves. Lots of beautiful leaves.
BEN
Belle, that remark about your femininity was a slur on me, not on you, that I wouldn’t appreciate a feminine woman. She wasn’t saying you’re not feminine.
BELLE
I’m feminine enough. (She postures.)
BEN
The company’s okay but my mother thinks, they think, you and I are getting together in that way, soft music, sweet wine, and make children for them. Belle, don’t be hurt, but I don’t do that kind of thing with women.
BELLE
I can see that. I don’t usually do that with men either. I’m certainly not going to do what you’re thinking about with you, wine sipping, music playing, or whatever you think goes with wine sipping and music.
BEN
What’s wrong with me?
BELLE
I’m not going to give you a list. You do what you want and I do what I want.
BEN
And the grandchildren? How are you going to manage that, given our hands off relationship, and everything else off, but not clothes off?
BETSY
It’s not the hands-off part that’s the challenge, is it?
BUTCH
I think we all understand that now.
BEN
What? What does everyone understand?
BELLE
In the lab! You know? They do it all in the lab, with soft music if you like, take what they need from you and me and put it together in the lab. Choose the background music and sip whatever you want in the waiting room. I was afraid when they first mentioned it but your mother said it doesn’t hurt. And your mother said not to worry. They’ll pay for it.
BEN
Pay for it? Who cares who pays for it? What are we going to do when this grandchild comes?
BETSY
Glad to see you’re beginning to understand.
BUTCH
I see it, the whole scheme. We attack global warming for the generations to come and we get to produce one generation to come, those who will benefit. It’s a beautiful, huge package deal.
BETSY
Don’t get too excited yet. It’s more than a little crazy. As Ben suggests we ask, who’ll raise this grandchild? Both these prospective parents are, well, if you don’t mind me saying, pretty off the wall for child rearing.
BELLE
I guess I’m pretty much not into child rearing as you call it. I’m not ready for being a mother either or anything like a mother. I guess I’m not much of anything.
BEN
You’re the mother of this company, sort of. And you are something! Don’t ask me what. But you are plenty of something.
BELLE
I mean I’m pretty much off the wall for parenting. I admit, and you can belittle it or me however you want, but I admit who I am. How about you?
BEN
I’m completely straight. Have you seen the car I drive? It’s completely show-offy and some people say ugly.
BELLE
That’s usual for fancy cars but that you announce it and are aware of it, that’s pretty off the wall.
BETSY
He wasn’t all that aware how much of an awful showoff he was until we told him. Now he’s aware. What I want to know is which of you is going to take care of this grandchild, your child.
BEN
Not me. I’m just a donor; I think it’s called something like that.
BELLE
I don’t know anything about being a mother.
BETSY
You had a mother.
BELLE
I don’t remember much about it. She wasn’t much of a mother, really. She didn’t remember who the father was and we never saw him and she… didn’t remember a lot of things. Not much of an example to follow. Although I love her, like a mother I guess, but abstractly. (Sobs.)
BETSY
That’s okay. You’re fine. But what a dumb plan this is!
BUTCH
It is not dumb! The whole planet’s at stake. We have an extra bedroom.
BETSY
What? I know how much you want this project, but you wait one minute when you go volunteering our extra bedroom; we do not have any such thing, that is, there’s nothing extra about it.
BUTCH
You’re a good mommy, a great mommy.
BETSY
I have my own career. I’m a chemist as someone in this family has to have a real income. I make whatever they tell me, perfumes or potions or poisons, mostly for pests. That’s what I do. And we have enough children of our own.
BEN
How many again?
BETSY
This has nothing to do with you. (To Butch) Who’s going to change the diapers?
BUTCH
Our kids are out of diapers, way beyond diapers.
BETSY
But I remember how it was and the new baby will be in diapers.
BUTCH
Okay, I’ll change my share of diapers. (She frowns intensely.) Okay, more than my share.
BETSY
How much more?
BUTCH
Two thirds of the diapers. I’ll change two thirds of the dirty diapers. And wake in the night two thirds of the time. And two thirds of whatever else you want.
BETSY
Two thirds of what the baby wants. And then you’re going to throw it in my face every chance you get, how you’re doing two thirds of the child rearing work to my one third. My whole life I’ll hear how you did twice as much to raise this child as I did. You following the arithmetic, Ben.
BEN
Sort of.
BETSY
Besides, I have enough trouble raising our own kids to be good citizens. Why do I want to raise some white kid who feels entitled and superior and is probably racist and sexist?
BUTCH
He doesn’t have to be all those things. You’re going to raise him.
BETSY
I am?
BUTCH
We’re going to raise him so why would he be racist or sexist or anything-ist?
BETSY
Because he’s white and you never can tell. That sort of crap could be genetic, a genetic flaw. Besides, what do you mean he? Him? How about she, her. In the lab you can choose the sex.
BUTCH
Aren’t you being a little bit sexist?
BETSY
Don’t you be calling me sexist, she-ist, or any other pejoratives.
BUTCH
Never. You’re the fairest she-ist I’ve ever met, whatever a she-ist is. I’m with you.
BETSY
Okay then. Two thirds of her diapers won’t close the deal. 70%. You do 70% of whatever, diaper changing or rearranging is required and anything else that comes up.
BUTCH
I won’t have that much time to do everything. I’m the do-ist on the tree part of this project.
BETSY
Do-ist. You making fun of me?
BUTCH
Never.
BETSY
I know you want this, Baby, and the world needs it, the carbon dioxide control and maybe this additional grandchild. But I have my own career, my own work to do. I’m busy. 75%, That’s my final offer: three quarters. This is tricholous, isn’t it? That we’re going to bargain this child out.
BUTCH
Yes.
BEN
Tricholous is not a word, is it?
BELLE
I never heard of it. Sounds like tricky though, but even trickier. And ridiculous. That’s a word.
BETSY
You’re good. And it’s not ridiculous, not really. Butch and I, all of us, bargain out this child rearing or it’s not going to happen.
BUTCH
Okay. I do three quarters of the baby work to your one quarter. (Gets excited, silly.) But I get to say any time in the future I want that I did three times as much raising of this child as you did. And I can hold it over your head.
BETSY
Don’t hold that child over my head especially if it’s about to you know what. But, any time you want, raise the banner over my head or over my whatever. You’re on! Wait. WAIT. WAIT!!! I can’t believe I almost missed this. Do you know what this looks like?
BUTCH
What what looks like?
BETSY
Me, we raising this child. Like the old anti-bellum South. I’m a southern belle but I’m not this child’s nanny. (Stares at each.) Everybody got that? I’m not this baby’s black nanny. Not a wet-nurse. Right? RIGHT? (Everyone nods.) We’re doing you a favor with the spare bedroom and maybe it doesn’t go much further. Who knows? RIGHT?
BUTCH
Right. No nannies here. This company plants trees.
BETSY
And you!
BEN
Me?
BETSY
Yes you! You’re into this company in all it particularities and you’re going to raise so much capital for this company, we’re not going to know where to put it.
BEN
Me?
BETSY
Yes, you!
BEN
Right. I see that. Yes. In. I’m in.
BELLE
(To Ben.) If you’re in, I’m in.
BEN
I’m in.
BELLE
But they’re crazy, aren’t they? Weird.
BEN
Yeah, but they’re also good.
BETSY
Maybe.
END ACT I
INTERMISSION
ACT II
(At the plant where they are assembling the tree pods. Belle comes zooming through occasionally carrying tree pods so we don’t notice her big belly condition at first. Betsy is at a small decorative “garden” tending flowers and smiling.)
BOB
(Entering, he touches the petals.) You sure do a job with flowers. I never saw as many flowers on a plant before. (Gestures to show the size of the bouquet.)
BETSY
(Betsy looks up and sees who it is and gets angry. She dances around but maintains her animosity until finally she explains why she is angry.) Don’t touch the flowers! I get to relax a bit here and make a contribution to the plant. You see flowers out to here (gestures to her belly) on TV all the time.
BOB
The flowers on tv are not real. These are real. (Touches them.)
BETSY
Don’t touch the flowers! On TV, they show plants with lots of flowers. Then you order the plants and the plants die before they arrive. You don’t get what you paid for. (He moves a pot.) Don’t touch the pots!
BOB
Pots can’t die. They’re already not alive. Where do you get your flowers?
BETSY
I grow them, from seeds, sometimes from shoots, cuttings. Butch gets me some special soil.
BOB
I knew that. You have a green thumb, like your husband.
BETSY
My husband does not have a green thumb. His thumb is the same color as the rest of him. If his thumb got green, we might have to call the doctor and have it amputated.
BOB
And what is the explanation for your hostility toward me today, Mrs. Stevenson? it’s out of sight and I, I assure you, am innocent, and an admirer of your husband and you as well.
BETSY
My hostility is not out of sight? My hostility’s right here and you see it plainly, Mr. Sharp. And what’s the occasion for your B-S?
BOB
B-S? Really? What’s this about, Mrs. Stevenson? Butch’s project couldn’t be going better, seven months into it. He designs these magic plant things.
(Belle walks across the stage carrying a tree pod, a small tree with burlap wrapped around its roots with the stems of other leafy plants and bushes sticking out.)
BETSY
Tree pods, not plant things, thank you, sometimes called bundles, never things. They are pods of related symbiotic plants, a tree, a bush or two, and some grasses, plants that accentuate each other’s growth and each other’s contribution to carbon dioxide extraction.
BOB
Well spoken, Mrs. Stevenson. And apparently the health of these pod things is obvious as soon as they’re in the ground and someone drips some water on them. They burst out like springtime. Are you joining the company’s marketing department?
BETSY
Your son, you recall, is the marketing and sales department. I have a job of my own, Mr. Sharp. Apparently, you’re not up for marketing. If Butch or Ben heard you refer to the product as a “thing”, you’d get kicked out of the company.
BOB
I’m not in the company. Remember, I’m the adventure capitalist.
BETSY
Who’s having a grand adventure.
BOB
Indeed. Ben explains to people, especially land developers, with grand blah blahs why they need these pods. See I said pods not plant things. He explains to local governments why these pods are better than plain old trees and everyone’s realizing that landscaping companies using these pods are going to get more business. Ben helps them realize. Some jurisdictions are close to requiring “pods” instead of the old-fashioned plain trees they usually plant.
BETSY
Why tell me what I already know, maybe better than you, (smiles) maybe not? Butch is always working it out for the next environment, the best tree variety to live there, the best bush and grass to go with it, the best soil. There’s some soil in that pot if you want some.
BOB
No thanks. I never touch the stuff, certainly not this early in the day.
BETSY
Of course not. But for every new site, there’s a little chemical soil analysis. I sometimes help with while Butch reviews the climate data and buries his head in his laptop, searching through files for the best tree varieties.
BOB
Does the company owe you a lot for your very valuable chemical consulting analysis?
BETSY
Shut up. You know well enough. I’m trying to make this company a success for Butch. That’s what counts for me. (Pause.) You’re so slick to get me talking about the project’s success and I almost forgot how angry I am.
BOB
(Laughs.) I’m just gloating because of the success and I pulled this great team together. Belle runs the garden nursery facility and turns out top quality pods by the hundreds, thousands maybe starting next month with some new process she invented.
BETSY
SHE’S GOOD.
BOB
She also runs her store although I don’t know how she has time. And your little showy flower plot here, beautiful and elegant, just tops it all off.
BETSY
You’re totally overdoing the smooth talking.
BOB
I can’t quite believe how good it’s all turning out.
BETSY
You can’t believe it because, though you started this enterprise, you didn’t think it would work. And didn’t care. Is that it?
BOB
That’s harsh. But that’s the way adventure capitalism works. Think about it. How could this company work? Why plant a plant thing, pod, puddle, bundle, whatever you call it, instead of just a tree.
BETSY
If you don’t get it, let it be.
BOB
A tree’s got to be much cheaper than a pod thing and a developer could care less about five or ten years in the future, or even tomorrow. I’m not sure government officials, no matter how well intentioned or bright, really care about years from now either. They’ll have a different job somewhere else by then.
BETSY
Have you never heard of pride in your work?
BOB
I had that once. And still do. But how does Ben convince people to buy these pods?
BETSY
He’s your son. He says he talks to them without giving them any information, or any time to think about it, or any theory to understand. That’s what he says his secret is. Say nothing but say it simply. He has that good dishonesty Butch saw in you. (Angry.) You moved everything forward in this project though you thought it would fail?
BOB
It didn’t hurt anybody, even if I did think that some of the time. Who really knew how good Belle was?
BETSY
You think you didn’t hurt anyone this time with that maneuver. Maybe not.
BOB
I would have felt terrible if Butch’s dream or Belle’s dream had failed.
BETSY
My husband’s a tough guy.
BOB
But sweet Belle. I worried all the time how she might take failure.
(Belle hurries across the stage carrying a tree pod under each arm.)
BETSY
I’ll bet you did. You worried about that failure you thought was surely coming, but Belle is so totally wrapped up in her work, she doesn’t conceive of failure. She worships you and the confidence in her she thinks you and no one else ever had. But that wasn’t what you were thinking, Mr. Smoothy.
BOB
Mr. Smoothy? I liked Belle from the start but I didn’t know how well she would run the nursery factory and the store. The store’s beautiful and everyone can see there how this company knows what it’s about and how obviously right what this company does is. With the jewel of this little flower garden of yours as an exclamation point.
BETSY
Don’t flatter me! I don’t need it. And Belle’s good! A supplier tried to drop off a delivery of sick tree-starts yesterday. Belle saw the saplings and screamed at the driver until he got so scared, he jumped in his truck and left. Butch must have told her what to be on guard for in sick trees. She gets it immediately, whatever he tells her, and she wouldn’t let that order of sick trees into the plant, not even off the truck. She got it off the lot immediately.
BOB
So why are you so angry at me, Mrs. Stevenson? Butch says you’re usually such a lovable, loving flirt.
BETSY
With him, maybe, thanks. I’ll tell you why.
BOB
I bet you will, eventually. Let;’s have it out.
BETSY
And it, I mean they will come out. I look at sweet Belle and your grandchildren (she outlines a big pregnant belly). I remember the deal we made but it didn’t come to me at first, or second for that matter; your grandchildren in that belly are all you care about.
BOB
It’s for my wife Beverly.
BETSY
Notice I say grandchildren, plural, more than one, several. Belle is out to here, like my flowers but way further out. Have you noticed? I understand they brought the error, the miscount, to your attention early on. (Bob shuffles his feet, shrugs his shoulders because he’s caught.) Why’d they notify you first?
BOB
Beverly and me. Because we were the paying customers.
BETSY
Your dear Beverly. Was it her plan when they told you about the “mistake” early on?
BOB
Not sure I’d call it a plan. How did you find out?
BETSY
The doctor told Belle, of course, at one of her early checkups; but it barely registered on her. She’s so busy and happy wrapping tree pods and planting trees. La-la-la.
BOB
At first, I was afraid she’d be upset. But she just goes about her business.
BETSY
What’s in her belly IS her business! But she doesn’t know to mind it. It’s disgusting. Someone’s gotta slap that girl up the side of her head and wake her up.
BOB
Don’t slap her too hard. I wouldn’t let that happen and neither would you.
BETSY
Right. Maybe slap Ben, except I’m not sure he knows yet.
BOB
She must have told him by now; maybe not. And he doesn’t always listen that well.
BETSY
That’s what parents often say about their kids. But I’m the one who’s supposed to provide a house and organize the care for this child, singular, one child, that was the deal, and when was someone going to tell me, with two months to go.
BOB
Who remembers a verbal deal? Butch says he signed up for most of the childcare work.
BETSY
Butch is a wonderful talker, a great signer-upper, but when it comes to actually doing work such as caring for the “baby” or “babies”, he’ll pretend he doesn’t know what to do or how to do it and I’ll be up to my elbows. Besides, whether Butch or I do the work, it’s in our household, in this so-called extra room of ours.
BOB
Butch will come through. He said he’d do three quarters of the work and you’d only do one quarter. He’s been bragging about that.
BETSY
Ben taught him to brag. One of the few faults Butch didn’t have before.
BOB
Butch has very few faults.
BETSY
That’s not for you to judge. Judge if you like but it’s not for you to say. (He nods.) Now we’ve learned that baby, your grandchild, as you already knew, and I now know, is TWO, two babies in that one unsuspecting belly!
BOB
My wife finds them very beautiful.
BETSY
But two not one. Two times one quarter is two quarters, a half that I’m supposed to do in baby care and I don’t have time for that. If Butch doesn’t live up to his agreement, then what do I do with eight quarters of the work? How’s your math? I’m supposed to keep up my own career, keeping that business going so my boss can take credit for it.
BOB
Your boss deserves a lot of credit if he hired you.
BETSY
Clever. Cut out the flattery. How did you present this ‘mistake’ of two babies instead of one to sweet, innocent Belle? Or did your dear Beverly do it, or did you both sort of hide it, keep it as a big surprise.
BOB
My dear Beverly is innocent, always. Belle knew, sort of. The doctor told her a while ago.
BETSY
Not when, how? How did you handle it with Belle so she didn’t go wild. Of course, she’s so innocent. It might not be so hard. You tell her or someone tells her; she acknowledges it, sort of; then she forgets. But you did keep it from me, intentionally. I just learned. Yesterday!
BOB
We, Beverly and I, were afraid you’d be upset.
BETSY
I am upset! What did you say to Belle? Did she understand what was going on?
BOB
The doctor said it to her. Then, I repeated what the doctor had said.
BETSY
So honorable. You’re covered.
BOB
The doctor said they could remove one of the babies. Belle asked what would happen to it and he explained that it would die. “Which one?” she asked.
BETSY
(Points at Bob.) That one.
BOB
There was quiet for a while until Belle said “No.” We never talked about it again.
BETSY
Belle is such an angel. (Belle walks by holding a tree pod under each arm.) Her oblivion suits you fine, the way you planned it all along to get grandchildren for your loving wife. I don’t believe it was ever a mistake. Two’s better than one.
BOB
Beverly is loving sometimes and they always do two lab preparations, in case one’s not healthy.
BETSY
They don’t implant both in the woman unless instructed to do so. (She stares at him.)
BOB
Instructed by whom?
BETSY
That’s the question. Isn’t it? Dishonest in a good, wholesome way? That’s what Butch said about you. You content with that?
BOB
Dishonest is dishonest. I’m not sure there are different ways.
BEVERLY
(Entering, with Belle beside her.) Just checking up on my pseudo daughter-in-law. Isn’t she pretty?
BELLE
Well, there’s a lot of me out in front. Oh, Mr. Sharp. So good to see you. Everything is so exciting, busy, going so well; thank you again for the opportunity. I won’t fail you. You’re so kind.
BOB
A win for all of us and we think the world of you. Thank you.
BETSY
Makes me nauseous.
BEVERLY
Belle, you should sit down.
BOB
Yes. Please sit.
BELLE
I’m not sure I can sit down. I might have to sleep standing up. And my legs hurt. (They get her a chair.) Now, I’m not sure I can get up and there’s no room for me on this chair. The one on the right is sitting there; she got the first choice of places to sit, the best place. She always does. And the other is sort of fighting me for the remaining sitting room. And I’m always hungry; she’s always hungry. I don’t have time to eat, let alone eat for two.
BEVERLY
For two, yes. I was asking. How’s it going at the plant plant? Is it okay to call it the plant plant? Everything growing the way it should?
BELLE
Oh, yes. Butch designs the pods, the soil, the tree, the companion plants, the fertilizer. We order what we need. They’re easy to assemble and we have a neat degradable wrap for keeping the pods moist and holding them together.
BEVERLY
That’s very sweet.
BELLE
Every front lawn should have at least one. Put one by your front steps and when the tree grows, it’ll be great for shade. Some pods have flowering bushes at the base of the young trees. Butch decides on the bushes to use. You’d love those flowers.
BETSY
You don’t have to sell me. Bob and Beverly are already convinced and wouldn’t get their hands dirty. And I have enough flowers. Are you okay? How are you doing really?
BELLE
Some plants have berries. It’s fun. It’s great. It’s what I dreamed about. The plant plant. But, and don’t tell Butch this, I do get tired sometimes now.
BETSY
No doubt. And you don’t know how you’re doing, even if you speak for all three of you.
BELLE
Three?
BETSY
Yes, three. Are you thinking about that? You have two babies in you.
BELLE
I think of us as at most two, me and the baby inside me.
BETSY
But there are two babies inside you. Can you count?
BELLE
(Points to her belly.) One. You don’t have to be mean.
BETSY
It’s just that you need to hire someone, maybe more than one someone, to do the hard work you do around here.
BELLE
There’s no hard work around here. It’s fun.
BETSY
The physical, run-around, heavy-lifting jobs. If you don’t get help, those babies could kill you. (Belle shakes her head “no”.) You need to think about what’s ahead. (Beverly and Bob edge closer to hear better. Betsy points for them to leave.) Belle and I need to talk.
BEVERLY
We’re deeply involved in all this.
BETSY
As investors?
BOB
Yes. And.
BEVERLY
As grandparents. (Betsy waves them off; Beverly and Bob withdraw but stay and listen.)
BOB
(To Beverly.) We might take a short tour of the plant, Dear
BUTCH
(Enters.) What’s up? (Bob waves him over and Butch joins Beverly and Bob listening and whispering.)
BETSY
You know you have two babies inside you, not one?
BELLE
That’s what the doctor said.
BETSY
Have you looked ahead?
BELLE
I don’t want to look ahead. I like now, watching the plants grow, the orders grow.
BETSY
What does Ben think? Have the two of you talked? Have you asked him?
BELLE
About what? He’s doing a great job selling our tree pods. A while ago, he said this is the first time he’s actually done something real and, he said, it’s not bad. We haven’t talked much.
BETSY
You haven’t talked about three.
BELLE
Three?
BETSY
You and the two babies you and Ben are the mother and father of. Four if you count Ben, although maybe he doesn’t count. Have you talked about your two babies about to be born? There are two of them. You remember that, right? Two!
BELLE
Yes. Don’t scold me.
BOB
(From off stage, looking in.) Don’t scold her.
BETSY
(To Bob.) Go away. (To Belle.) The two of you haven’t talked about it? You’re the parents! You remember that, right?
BELLE
Look. Ben is the father and I (she touches her belly) am definitely the mother but we’re not the mother and father; we’re not the parents.
BETSY
Somebody’s the parents of what’s in your belly and it’s not me and it better not be Butch.
BELLE
Aren’t we more like donors? Maybe it’s Beverly and Bob; but, if they’re the parents, they’re going to be really mad because they definitely wanted grandchildren, not more children. They have children, Ben for example.
BETSY
Yeah.
BELLE
Did you know that in the first five years of its life, one of our tree pods will absorb ten times as much carbon dioxide as the bare trees they usually plant, twenty times as much carbon dioxide in the next five years, and then.
BETSY
(Gently.) And then what, Belle.
BELLE
Then, if the old-fashioned tree planting survives, they may be similar in efficiency. But only similar. Butch’s tree pods with the selected symbiotic bushes and grasses; are healthier, more likely to reach maturity; and they will reach it faster.
BETSY
Are you going into sales? You’re good at it. Whatever you said, I might buy your tree pods.
BUTCH
(From the corner of the stage.) She’s right.
BELLE
You’re a smart lady. If you don’t understand me, it’s because I don’t know what I’m saying.
BETSY
I understand you just fine. And you know what you’re saying! You’re saying it because you don’t want to talk about babies. But I want to talk about your babies.
BELLE
They’re still inside me. You can't talk to them and they can’t talk yet anyway. What’s to say?
BETSY
Talk about them, not to them, with you.
BEN
(Entering.) We broke up.
BELLE
You and your steady? It’s his fault. I’m sure. Not yours. Don’t blame yourself. You’ve been working hard.
BEN
No, it’s not his fault any more than it’s mine.
BETSY
Nobody cares about your breakup.
BEN
Why not? It’s important.
BELLE
I care.
BEN
Anyway, it wasn’t as good between us as we thought it would be.
BETSY
I care. But that’s not a point of view you can take with your babies. You can’t just break up. We were talking about your babies. They are on their way, regardless of what the two of you say or don’t say.
BELLE
(On the brink of tears.) Leave Ben alone.
BEN
Babies, whose babies? What are you on Belle about? You should see what she does around here. She’s doing a great job, an amazing job.
BUTCH
In the tree pod business, but not in the baby business. My wife’s not on Belle but Belle doesn’t seem to understand parents or being a kid without parents.
BELLE
What do you know about what I know and don’t know about parents. You probably had more parents than I did.
BUTCH
I probably did, bouncing from one household to another and belonging to none, having temporary parents and never permanent ones.
BOB
Butch, we should let them figure it out.
BUTCH
No. Children need parents.
BEVERLY
Let them try. Wait a bit. (She gently tugs Butch and Bob out of the fray.)
BETSY
I’m not on Belle, not about her job, unless you mean the job she’s not doing for her babies.
BEN
What babies?
BETSY
I’m on you! The man is always responsible, Ben, and this time the man is you.
BEN
Responsible for what?
BETSY
You two are the parents of the two babies coming soon and you haven’t given them a thought.
BELLE
We gave it a thought, a long time ago, when the doctor told us, and then we forgot.
BEN
We are not the parents. That’s the thought I think we gave it.
BETSY
I can’t believe you two. I just had the same conversation with Belle. You are the parents and you should be thinking about how your kids are going to be taken care of.
BEN
Our kids? No, it was part of the deal, the grand deal, the grandchild deal. We form this company with the venture capital it needs and in exchange, Belle and I sign onto the grandchild deal and deliver a grandchild.
BETSY.
Grandchildren, plural, it turns out. You are producing two grandchildren.
BEN
The deal was just for one grandchild.
BETSY
But there are two of them inside that stomach there and you’re the parents. DNA analysis will prove it.
BEN
Even if we are the parents in the DNA sense, they’re not our kids. You know what I mean? You said you were going to take care of them.
BETSY
I did not! I said I might help take care of her, maybe even a him; one grandchild could, might stay in our house, maybe. One, not two. Why didn’t you mention there were two of them?
BELLE
I didn’t know at first, and then when I knew, I didn’t know what to do about it or what to say.
BETSY
And what are you going to do now? I’m not housing every kid you throw out.
BELLE
(Crying.) I’m not throwing out kids, especially if you won’t take them. You said you would.
BETSY
I said I might house one. One. Maybe.
BELLE
Okay. I don’t know about being a mother. My mother was distant or something, absent, drunk. I didn’t know her much or how she was. If I have to, the two of them can go up for adoption.
BEN
Wait a minute. You need permission of both parents to permit adoption.
BUTCH
And the pseudo parents, us, which you won’t get.
BETSY
Butch, we’re not in this.
BUTCH
I am in this, very in this.
BETSY
Butch, stay out of it. (To Belle and Ben.) The two of you just said you’re not really these children’s parents. But, you are. You’re the main decision makers?
BEN
That was a while ago, a century ago that we even thought about it.
BETSY
So now, a century later, what are you going to do for these children, your children?
BEN
What am I, we, going to do? Belle and I could get married and be more like real parents.
BELLE
I don’t want to marry you.
BEN
I don’t mean with being physical, or even living together, or anything like that. I just meant legally, to kind of acknowledge the DNA thing and be the decision makers if that’s what we are.
BELLE
You want to be the decision maker?
BEN
Definitely not. You?
BELLE
No, definitely not. Then how would marriage or anything like that help care for these babies?
BEN
Well, then, when we say something about what’s going to happen, it carries twice as much weight, because there’s two of us officially involved, together.
BETSY
What’s going to happen? What’s your idea? Babies are like little trees; they need planting and sometimes tending.
BEVERLY
That’s sweet. (Bob looks at her funny.) It is.
BEN
Well, as Belle says, as you say, if we can’t find any place for these babies, we’ll put them up for adoption.
BETSY
That’s typical of a male, pass the problem on.
BELLE
I didn’t say that.
BETSY
You’re not a male.
BUTCH
And you won’t!
BELLE
What I said was I don’t know what I said except if we don’t have any other place for these babies, they will have to go up for adoption, not that we would put them there, or anywhere.
BUTCH
(Angry and getting angrier.) Let’s put a stop to this before it goes too far. What do you mean you’ll put these children up for adoption? The two of you put your stuff together to make them.
BEN
I didn’t put my stuff…
BELLE
We didn’t tell our stuff to do anything like that and it didn’t; our stuff didn’t do that.
BUTCH
I don’t care what you think your stuff did, but your stuff was put together to make two young human beings, as I now understand, two, so you can’t not want them and send them away.
BETSY
Kick them out. Unwant them.
BEN
We’re sorry but that’s all we can think of to do?
BUTCH
This isn’t about what you can think of. Apparently, there isn’t much you can think of on this subject.
BELLE
There’s nothing else we can do.
BUTCH
You mean there’s nothing else you want to do.
BELLE
I guess, if Ben says so.
BETSY
You’re not going to defer to him; he’s not even your husband. And what if he were? We already know he can’t think of anything; he’s a male man person.
BUTCH
There are other males here, like me. (To Belle and Ben) If you think there’s nothing else you can do, you’re wrong. If this is what you want to do, you’re not people we want in our company! Not the right kind of people!
BELLE
What? (Crying.) I am the kind of person we want in this company; this company wants me. I want it.
BETSY
Go easy, Butch.
BUTCH
You’re not then kind of person I want in this company! Like some idiots like to say, like our former President liked to say, you’re fired! I fire you! You’re not in this company.
BELLE
(Completely fallen apart now. Crying.) How can you say that?
BEN
Wait. Who said you had any right to fire anybody? When people run around like idiots, or animals run around like animals, they seem like idiots. But now, when I see a tree standing tall, it seems to radiate the beauty of nature and life.
BUTCH
Oh no. A convert! Convert to something other than dendrology, please.
BEN
What’s dendrology? You’re making up words again.
BUTCH
Trees. It’s like you’re converting to the love of trees.
BEN
I’ll stick with Belle. She’s honest and does what she thinks she has to do. Take her firing back, whether you have the right to fire her or not. What you’re doing is totally illegal, bad, and mean.
BUTCH
Like our former President, I don’t give a damn whether it’s legal or bad; you’re fired too.
BEN
You can’t fire me.
BUTCH
Doesn’t matter whether I can or not, you’re fired. It’s done.
BOB
(Coming fully in with Beverly.) I couldn’t help overhearing.
BUTCH
Well, you were standing there listening.
BOB
Do you think you actually have the right to fire anybody?
BUTCH
Of course, I do.
BOB
Really? From the legal point of view? You can’t fire me, for example.
BUTCH
Why not? I can do anything I want to. You’re fired.
BETSY
Baby, I think you may be getting a little carried away. Anger is good, anger can be holy and righteous, but you are way out there now with your anger.
BOB
I don’t mean you can’t fire me from this company because you don’t have the right to. I mean you can’t fire me because I’m not in this company. I don’t work for this company.
BUTCH
That makes it difficult. I admit. But I don’t have to fire you. You’re not in favor of putting these kids up for adoption.
BOB
No, but more important, do you think you can run this company by yourself? Your ideas for this company’s products are great but the people (points to Belle) who make those ideas happen are vital.
BUTCH
Well, I fired them, because they were an embarrassment to the company and it doesn’t matter whether I had the right to fire them or not because they are already fired as of now today.
BOB
Since you can’t fire me and can’t run the company yourself. What are you going to do?
BUTCH
I’ll tell you. I’ll try one of Ben’s exit strategies. I’ll fire me. That’s what I’ll do. I’m fired! Sick and tired and fired, tired of all this adoption talk. Gone! I’m out of the company! How about that?
BETSY
Take it easy, Baby. This company is what you want. Are you going to let it fall apart because he (refers to Bob) lacks confidence in us or any of the other things he lacks.
BUTCH
Confidence in what? In who? Me? Belle? Ben? We were rolling along, confidently. Until the company was put up for adoption, everything was put up for adoption.
BOB
I didn’t say I lacked confidence in anybody.
BEVERLY
That does clear the air some, doesn’t it? It changes the logic but it makes even less sense. The company wasn’t put up for adoption.
BOB
Having everybody fired, maybe the company is up for adoption. And that clears some things up; we were wondering where this was going. I said I was afraid the business would fail. But all this firing and no-hiring doesn’t matter. Or does it, Betsy? Is it real? Has it failed?
BETSY
What are you asking me for? Butch is my husband, so of course he’s right, whatever he does.
BUTCH
Thank you.
BELLE
Except when he’s wrong. (To Bob with disbelief.) You said you were afraid we would fail? You had confidence in my dream, didn’t you? You said so. And in me? You always said that. You meant it when you said it, right?
BEN
And you kept telling me I could do this, with my friends, these friends. You meant it, right?
BOB
I did and I was right! Right? On all counts. Until maybe now.
BEN
Well, as long as I’m fired anyway, I have some bad news I don’t have to tell it but I will because I’m fired anyway. The County Council got so convinced of what we were doing that they required it for all new or redevelopments. Tree pods all the way.
BOB
Good work!
BEN
But some big operators got in and according to what the Council specifically passed, the trees for the tree pods and the companion plants must come from a local nursery, to protect local business.
BOB
(Laughs lightly.) Politics.
BEN
If that’s the law and local pods are not available, everyone gets to do whatever they want. Local nurseries don’t have the plants we would need. So, we’re out of business.
BOB
Not such good work. We may have been out-scoundreled. But since we fell apart first, and everybody fired everybody else, it doesn’t matter much. Does it? Right, Beverly?
BUTCH
You are a kind of a scoundrel, you know? Why are you asking her?
BOB
She’s here and very bright. Whatever it is you just accused me of, I didn’t do it and I didn’t say it. Betsy, what do you think now?
BETSY
About what? Butch is still my husband, even if he is out of a job, so he’s still right but wrong too. You’re a scoundrel. He was right about that.
BUTCH
I’m right. Thank you. Then I’m wrong. No thank you. Even if I fired everyone, I’m still right and wrong. I don’t know.
BEVERLY
Can we do anything?
BETSY
About what?
BEVERLY
I don’t know. About anything you were talking about. I understand it but… but… You fix this Bob, Robert. You’re my husband and the children’s grandfather.
BESTY
Yes, you fix this, Mr. Sharp, now.
BEVERLY
Bob, please.
BOB
I can try. What if all that firing was moot?
BETSY
Oh, moot. More B-S. I don’t care about moot. Butch, what are you going to do now? I’m behind you no matter what. You know that, Baby, don’t you?
BEN
What do you mean by moot?
BUTCH
I’ll call up a friend of mine and try to get that position at the University everyone’s always telling me to take. (He starts to leave.)
BETSY
Wait a minute.
BUTCH
You’ve always said I should take a university position.
BETSY
A hypothetical position, not a real position. Not necessarily at a real university with coeds and stuff; but maybe one around here, near here. You hear me?
BUTCH
No, not really. Are we are near a university now?
BETSY
I think you always are, in your head. So, I always am, hypothetically.
BUTCH
What does a hypothetical position pay? Assuming, hypothetically, I might accept it.
BETSY
A kind of contrathetical salary, which, as you can imagine, isn’t that much.
BEN
Is that a word? That’s not a word.
BETSY
Salary? Salary’s a word. It could be a word, if you have a job. And how would you know what’s a word and what’s not.
BEN
Maybe you mean antithetical?
BETSY
What? You’ve been putting us on all along.
BEN
Just a little.
BUTCH
This whole thing is falling apart. Even Ben’s not really who Ben is, was. I’m out of here.
BETSY
Stay a little, Butch, Baby, all of you. Let’s see what might happen here. Aren’t you curious?
BUTCH
I’m curious about lots of things. The difference between needle and broadleaf leaves. (They stare at him.) Needle leaves are the kind on pine trees; broadleaves are on trees like Maples.
BEN
Did anyone hear anyone ask about this leaf stuff? Or for any kind of lecture right now?
BUTCH
Hardly a lecture. You have no idea what I’m capable of.
BEN
We don’t but you can talk, I guess, as long as you don’t start talking about the talking mushrooms and plants with ears or whatever else you think plants do.
BUTCH
I never said plants have ears. I said they have special cells that are sensitive to light and those cells determine which direction the light is coming from, and then, they send out enzymes that make certain cells, just the right cells, elongate.
BEN
Elong what?
BUTCH
Grow long and tall so the plant leans toward the light. You’ve heard of that. Those cells, sensitive to light are looking around and reacting. They’re eyes.
BEN
No, I never heard of plants turning toward the light. If it means plants have eyes, and even if I have heard about this turning toward light before, I don’t want to hear about it now. Not about talking mushrooms or plants looking at you with their eyes. You don’t get funding for anything by scaring everyone to death, unless you’re trying to fund a horror movie. And no one asked you to lecture us now on… on anything.
BETSY
On some subjects, you don’t have to ask. Butch lectures when he feels like it or sometimes when he gets nervous. I think you’re making him nervous.
BEN
I am?
BUTCH
Needle leaves usually stay on the tree three or four growing seasons, sometimes more; broadleaf trees usually drop leaves each year. Needle trees spend less energy growing leaves.
BEN
(Concerned.) Butch. You okay? You cool?
BUTCH
But, for the needles to survive the winter, the tree usually grows a protective cover around them and that takes some energy too. Needles can be active making energy move than 250 days a year compared to 180 or so for deciduous leaves.
BEN
(To Betsy.) Is he okay? You gotta take care of him.
BETSY
Honey, you got to control yourself. Maybe you’re practicing for your lectures at the University, right? That’s okay. But not now.
BOB
We love all those lectures. I do. It reminds us how little we know about the world. It’s good. Don’t you think so, Beverly?
BEVERLY
I stopped listening when he said “Needle leaves” in that “listen to me” tone of voice. I’ve already been to the university once. Once was enough.
BEN
Dad, you better do something about this?
BUTCH
Different leaves differ but they almost all capture sunlight, take in CO2, and give off water
BETSY
Take it easy, baby.
BUTCH
I’m all right, just teasing, pointing out about who we are and where we are.
BEN
Pointing out, I suppose, that some of us have dropped our leaves. We’ve been fired. Dad, you started all this. Do something.
BOB
Okay, son. What if we all still had our leaves. And the firings are moot.
BEN
Don’t go mooting us. Some of us are already mooted.
BEVERLY
You’re too hard on yourself, Ben. A few moments ago, we had our little company, BS Inc., and our roles all set up so everything was perfect, running well and smiling. Everyone seemed contented and successful.
BETSY
Except some babies were planning to drop by with no place to drop.
BEVERLY
Now, it seems we’ve screwed things up so everything is nothing and no one is successful. But I’m curious.
BUTCH
About what?
BEVERLY
Bob, what am I curious about?
BEN
You’re always doing that, Mom, looking to Dad to know what you want and fix what he himself screwed up.
BEVERLY
Who else is going to do it?
BOB
It’s not good when nothing’s right for anybody. We’d probably dissolve our company at this point anyway, if the new ordinance Ben told us about went through and required trees to come from a local nursery. BS Inc. is not a local grower and Butch gets his tree starts from everywhere. If they require the starts to all be local, BS Inc is not going to get any business anyway.
BELLE
Wait a minute. What do you mean? BS has then best plant bundles, by far.
BETSY
What a darling. But I’m curious, Mr. Bob, about what could be so moot about the firings and everything that went on here. What exactly are you thinking, Mr. Bob? Tell us.
BELLE
And before you said dissolve the B-S company? I’m dissolved? You can’t dissolve me. I can’t be dissolved. And we’re doing so well. Do you know what we’re doing? Have you been in the store? What’s BS? Why’s this company called BS?
BOB
It was probably a bad idea calling the company BS Inc. (They look at him.) I did it because all our names have initials BS. I thought it was cute.
BEN
Cute? Nobody noticed it, until now. We’re all B. S.? All full of BS. Is that it?
BUTCH
I get it. The company was full of people with initials B-S, Butch Stevenson, Betsy Stevenson, Ben Sharp. Bob and Beverly Sharp.
BETSY
That was rude, just plane rude. And?
BEN
And what?
BETSY
Yes. And what?
BEN
(After everyone is looking blank.) And Belle Belinda Something. Don’t be so sad. Dad fixes things like this.
BUTCH
BS? I thought the company was named after me.
BETSY
I’m sorry, Baby.
BUTCH
Look! The name might have been nonsense but the company made perfect sense. Tree pods absolutely make sense if you’re going to sequester carbon dioxide.
BEN
There you go again. Sequester? What kind of word is that if you want funding? Or if you want a company? If you want my father to do something. Don’t you get it? We’re trying to fix things here, not sequester them.
BUTCH
So what does he mean? (To Bob) What do you all mean?
BETSY
What do you mean by moot now that Butch fired everybody or everybody fired everybody else?
BOB
It doesn’t matter, whose ego fired whose ego, because I had already sold the company. (They glare at him.) What? You’ve all fired each other, actually Butch fired most of you, but it doesn’t matter who did the firing because you’re all so close, BS’s everyone.
BETSY
You’re going to put this on our heads? I think maybe the hat fits your head, Bob Sharp. Plan on taking your grandchildren with you when you leave. And leave! (She gets increasingly angry, humorously staring at each speaker as they say whatever they say.)
BOB
You’re right as always.
BEVERLY
You better not be saying anything like that to any woman other than your wife, which is me.
BOB
I mean, Ben, wasn’t this always your exit strategy for every company, sell the company and walk away rich? Something like that?
BELLE
What’s an exit strategy?
BOB
Ben, you’re always talking about exit strategies, right? It’s what you live for, and apparently what an adventure capitalist lives for too, the payout, the get out, the drop out, take the cash and let someone else go carrying on.
BELLE
Ben, you had a plan like that, to leave me.
BEN
Never! Dad, that’s not how it works. not when you’re doing something you want to do, when something you do matters, (to Belle) or when you care about the people you’re working with. We’re a team.
BELLE
Mr. Sharp, you were always planning to have the company fail, weren’t you?
BETSY
Don’t let him say that or anything like that, Belle. Don’t think it.
BOB
Not fail. We’re not talking failure. It’s not a failure to get out rich, to exit in style.
BELLE
You didn’t think we could do it? That I could do it? That’s why you want to get out quick.
BOB
You did it! Of course, I thought you could. I knew you could. Always. And you did.
BELLE
But everything we did is nothing now, nothing more than a bank account.
BOB
What’s wrong with a good heathy bank account?
BETSY
(Almost screaming.) What you’re saying, Bob Sharp, is such drivel. And what happens to your grandchildren in this exit strategy? You’ll accept them, but when you do, they’ll be out of work like most everyone else here. The job of grandchild will be a fake.
BEVERLY
They are our grandchildren, in her belly, or wherever, and we accept them for who they are, like we accept Ben and Belle for who they are. We don’t interfere.
BUTCH
Excuse me. The planet? The trees? What good is a bank account or a next generation in a worldless world?
BEN
Or a fancy show-offy car?
BEVERLY
Those are good questions, I guess. What do you think, Belle?
BELLE
Me?
BEVERLY
You say you can’t be a mother because you didn’t know your mother very well and you don’t know motherhood and…
BELLE
Not exactly what I said but…
BEVERLY
You should know a mother, a mother’s love, a loving mother, everyone should know someone who can instill in you the kind of love you need to give to your children.
BOB
You’re very pithy for you, Beverly. Are you feeling okay?
BELLE
It’s too late for me as far as knowing my mother or any mother.
BEVERLY
It’s not too late. Belle, my husband Bob and I intend to adopt you.
BOB
We do? (Pause.) Okay. We absolutely do. Really?
BETSY
(Throws out her arms, shouting.) Intend to? You people never ask for what you want no matter what it is. You just take.
BOB
She asked me to marry her.
BETSY
I’m sure she didn’t give you any choice in answering.
BOB
That’s right.
BELLE
You’re going to adopt me, be my loving mother?
BETSY
Really?
BEVERLY
I can be. I could be.
BELLE
I don’t even know you.
BEVERLY
You’ll find me very easy to get to know once you get to know me.
BEN
Mom, you got to be kidding. What does that make those children? Your grandchildren through me; and, if Belle’s your daughter, they’d be grandchildren through her also, but Belle and I would be in an (pause) unsavory if not unhealthy relationship. Huh? So which?
BELLE
We’re not in a relationship, if I understand what that word means.
BEN
Of course, not. That’s not what I mean.
BEVERLY
They’d be my grandchildren twice over. They’d be very grandchildren. (Ben scratches at his arm.)
BELLE
(Starts scratching at her arm.) You’re making me very itchy.
BETSY
(To Butch.) You better not get whatever they got and bring it to bed. It might be from the plants.
BUTCH
Ben doesn’t touch the plants.
BEVERLY
Ben, what’s the matter with you? Don’t give me the nothing wave. You’re scratching. And now you’ve given it to Belle. It;’s not that itchy thing coming back. Let me see that arm, dear. It must itch terribly. (To all.) Ben had a rash as a child, whenever he got upset. (She takes a tube from her purse and applies some ointment to Belle.) There. That’s what we used to do.
BELLE
That feels better.
BEN
Mom, why are you carrying that around?
BEVERLY
Just in case. As I said, you’ve had itchies since you were a child. (Applies ointment to Ben.) Itchies can came back.
BEN
Let’s see that. (She rubs some more on his arm and hands it to him.) How many years old is this ointment? And how come you did Belle first. Anyway, you can’t be my mother forever.
BEVERLY
Don’t worry. I won’t be and this stuff is not past pull date. And neither am I, yet. It’s still good.
BEN
(He smiles, feeling better.) It’s still good.
BELLE
Feels okay. Thanks.
BETSY
There’s nothing still good about this scene! Nothing! There is still the second baby slipped into Belle’s belly along with the first even though the company was slipped out!
BOB
Okay, it was my fault. Betsy’s right.
BETSY
That admission will get you nothing.
BOB
When they asked which one of the lab fertilization implants to keep, I said both. Belle was there but she didn’t seem to know what was going on. Sorry, Belle. I thought I was helping. I figured Beverly would want more than one grandchild from Ben eventually.
BEVERLY
She would.
BOB
She really likes Ben; mostly because he’s her son, so, I thought, why not just do it while it’s all set up?
BETSY
Without letting Belle know? Without letting anyone know! What was all set up?
BOB
Belle knew, sort of. She didn’t seem to want to deal with anything like that. And I’m not sure I understand it either, the ethics of it all, the emotions. I thought I was helping her.
BELLE
Me? No. I wouldn’t know how to deal with it, now or then, or even how to be helped.
BETSY
You have to learn how to be helped, how to help yourself. (To Bob.) You’re a scoundrel! You took advantage of this girl! Now, you think, what difference does it make? She’s rich, so you say, from the sale of the BS Company.
BOB
Rich is good, well, not bad.
BETSY
Soon, you’ll have your grandchildren, in the exit strategy, but no one else will have much else.
BOB
Everyone will have money. But Beverly and I will have nothing if Belle sends the kids off in an adoption to some other end of the world.
BELLE
Two kids? I have to think.
BEVERLY
Beverly will not have nothing. She needs to look after her grandchildren so that adoption can’t happen, at any end of the world. We won’t let it.
BOB
Betsy?
BUTCH
Don’t be making forgive me eyes at my wife.
BETSY
(To Bob.) What are you going to scoundrelize now?
BOB
You know. You’re so smart.
BETSY
Don’t patronize me.
BUTCH
The higher the tree branches reach into the upper stories of the woods, the more lobed the leaves.
BEVERLY
Lobed? No matter what lobed means, sooner arm later, you’re going to have to talk about moot.
BEN
Are stomata lobed? Are they moot? What does lobed mean?
BELLE
A brain has lobes.
BUTCH
Our brains have two lobes. Leaves grow from and cling to branches in different ways. Sometimes there’s a leaf on this side of a branch, later one on the other side and they alternate; it’s called alternate. Sometimes, wherever there’s a leaf on one side of a branch, there’s another on the other; it’s called opposite.
BETSY
(Suddenly worried Butch is irrational.) Baby, you okay? No one needs that terminology now.
BEVERLY
Very romantic. They should call it paired.
BUTCH
Maybe. You always need good terminology. Sometimes, where there’s a leaf attached to the branch, there’s a whole bunch of leaves coming out at that same point. That’s called whorled. That’s how humans are.
BEN
You gotta be kidding. But I get it. I really do. Where one person is attached to the branch, one leaf, like you, (Butch nods enthusiastically.) there are others, more than two, other leaves attached to the branch at the same point, a whorl.
BUTCH
(Butch nods again and points), like us.
BEN
Like a company of people hanging on together.
BELLE
You get that, Ben? That’s pretty good. I think I got it too.
BETSY
Bob screwed over the whole company; this talk doesn’t help. Besides, all that whorling is too mushy for me. I like Chemistry. You mix sodium and chloride and you get sodium chloride. That’s salt by the way.
BUTCH
I’ve been doing some calculations; if I add a sword fern to each bundle, not other ferns as much, the way the sword fern likes the open light, the tree bundles would do even better.
BETSY
I bet they would, Baby, but there’s no company. He killed it! Bob! (More demanding.) Bob!
BOB
Okay. To make a company, you have to make a deal.
BELLE
You have to have a dream not a deal, if the company’s going to survive.
BOB
Here’s the deal. Well, if it’s also a dream, all the better. I’ll take care of the kids.
BETSY
(Betsy looks skeptical.) Sure.
BOB
They live in our house, with Beverly and me.
BETSY
I keep saying Butch needs this company. Belle says Belle needs this company. Beverly needs her grandchildren. I need Butch and so, maybe I need this company, but we all need a recoverable world, whatever that is, even more.
BEVERLY
You’ve gotten very (Betsy stares at her) involved.
BETSY
I have. You better fix all this, Bob Sharp; but you’re too old for those kids. Those kids are very spunky. I can feel it. They go to our house! But we have one spare room, for one child.
BOB
(Bob holds up two fingers.) Two.
BETSY
Okay. Two, but you’re gonna pay to remodel the house, especially the kids’ room, and you’re not touching my new kitchen. You’re not even walking through my new kitchen no matter how much kitchen care those kids need. You’re going to get them their own kitchen, a kids’ kitchen.
BOB
Okay, they live in your house with their own kids’ kitchen..
BETSY
That easy? How did I let me talk you out of taking the kids and giving them to us instead? Am I losing it? You are slick and I’m not sure whether you’re a sweetheart or you’re scoundrelizing us again. And the two of you will be caretakers I suppose.
BOB
Caretakers. Yes.
BUTCH
Can we be a company again? Ben can sell this stuff for the BS company like nobody can and your grandchildren need a dad they can look up to. The stuff’s real enough, but, according to Ben, you have to be full of it to sell anything. Ben’s very full of it, like his father. I don’t dare carry my wallet around when I’m near either of you.
BEN
You never carry a wallet anyway; you don’t trust anybody. Now you’re saying I’m a BS Company person? I’m a company guy. Okay, but maybe BS shouldn’t be the company name.
BELLE
A dream is good, but I was sure I was doing the real thing, the right thing, in this company. Maybe a dream can be real.
BEN
Dad, can you call off the sale, exit from the exit strategy?
BELLE
Dad, can you fix this? That just slipped out. Mom, tell him to fix this. Slipped again.
BOB
He called me Dad; it’s been a long time.
BEVERLY
Ben just called you Dad a moment ago.
BOB
But Belle called me Dad, after knowing me such a short time.
BETSY
The exit strategy?
BOB
There’s always a clause to break a contract, like the sale of the company. We’ll break it. Belle, if you hire some help, you could put those tree pods together like nobody else. You in? (She nods.)
BEVERLY
Bob can definitely break a contract. He hardly ever keeps his word anyway. (Bob scowls.) I keep this marriage together with… never mind.
BUTCH
That the two of you, husband and wife, work together is amazing, if you call that work. From what Ben tells me about business, I would never want to have my wife as a partner.
BETSY
Careful now.
BUTCH
I mean I would never want to have your wife, Bob’s wife, as my partner.
BETSY
That’s better.
BEVERLY
No, it’s not.
BOB
Careful now.
BEN
Okay, Dad, you can moot the sale of the company or however you say it and the company could still exist. Is that what you’re saying?
BOB
Yes. The company, BS Inc. exists!
BEN
And you can moot all the firings so we all still work for the company. Really?
BOB
You do. If Butch fired you without authority, maybe I can hire you back without authority and with raises in pay.
BEN
What about the law and the local nurseries getting all the business instead of us?
BUTCH
Trees, leaves, climate control. That’s what we have to do, not all this mooting with the authority; but they make it so hard with these perverse laws; they’re even trying to make what we do, get the right trees from the right places, wherever that might be, they’d make that against the law.
BOB
The County Executive has to sign off on that proposal before it becomes law and he won’t. I’ll mention to him that it will look like he’s making a law for a contributor of his, that local tree nursery.
BEN
You’ll talk to him?
BOB
He doesn’t know who his contributors are anyway. So, after we talk, he won’t sign; and the council members will forget it also once they hear the rumors about them, about the graft they may have accepted from local companies and the newspaper articles about to appear.
BETSY
Maybe there is a kind of honorable dishonesty in all this. (Smiles.)
BUTCH
It’s the way organic structures and the chemicals in the earth work together to interact with the atmosphere.
BETSY
Baby, no. You’re getting all excited.
BEN
You think? Dad, you can make this happen? (Bob nods.)
BETSY
Butch, I hope you’re all smiling inside because even I don’t know what he just said about rumor and graft. I usually stay away from those things.
BELLE
You think I can do it again? In this new, renewed company, if you can make the company again?
BOB
I’m certain. The way Butch designs these tree pods, even I could put them together. Okay, maybe not me, but you can. We know that. Your dream anyway is what really pushed the company into existence.
BUTCH
Wait a minute. Her dream? What about my vision, my science?
BEN
Sure. And someone has to sell something for a company to work.
BOB
Everyone’s company. We might have our company after all. We need a new name, not “B S”.
BUTCH
They’re making clear cuts all over the place. We gotta do something! (Belle nods enthusiastically.) But I kind of like the old company name, BS. I really thought it was named after me. Maybe everyone thought it was named after them. They could think so, no harm in that.
BETSY
(To Bob.) You certainly screwed everything up, but I guess, after all these personal mix ups, where the grandchildren live and such, we can maybe straighten them out. I might once have said I was doing all this for my husband Butch.
BUTCH
You’re not?
BETSY
The air we breathe, maybe that’s most important. Maybe we need to get that right. Right now.
BOB
Right, right now. We’ll get it right. Everything will be all right. Right?
BELLE
But you’ll stick around this time, to make sure the company stays on the right track.
BOB
No, I’m tired of adventure cap…
BEN
Don’t say it, Dad. Okay?
BOB
I want real adventure. Capitalism’s a bore. Beverly and I, now that her grandchildren are on their way, we’re going to go adventure traveling.
BEVERLY
We are?
BOB
(To Beverly) We could portage our canoe way off the map and I could have you all to myself, unless we got captured and eaten by the fish eating people of wherever they live.
BEVERLY
We don’t have a canoe and you’re a fish-eating person yourself .
BEN
He means flesh-eating? Is that the cliche you’re fishing for, Dad?
BOB
I don’t go fishing and not having a canoe makes it even weirder and more exciting for us to go out there. Right?
BETSY
And leave your grandchildren behind? I’ll help but I’m not going to be in charge of them. I don’t have to be in charge of everything around here. Do I? Maybe I do.
BEVERLY
(After some physicality where Bob convinces Beverly, romantically.) Yes, I guess so. Our grandchildren are in good hands with you. So I should take care of my big baby.
BOB
That’s me.
BEVERLY
I know. I have to see beyond grandchildren, well, now that I have them anyway. We’ll visit often and relieve the caretakers and stay out of the way.
BEN
Thank you, but I think I may want you in the way, when I itch.
BEVERLY
And we’ll bring everybody presents from far away.
BELLE
You mean those little things people buy, carved monkeys and rocks that don’t look as good as they looked when they were wet, those dusties people put on their shelves and no one can remember where they came from or sometimes what they are? Okay, okay. The dusties are not part of our mission, but okay. I’ll get a shelf and try it out.
BETSY
See? All the time, I was thinking of me, right? And when I thought about this project I was thinking about Butch, he wanted it, and I wanted it for him which is for me. Get it?
BEN
No.
BETSY
You wouldn’t. But in not recognizing the project itself, and the trees, I wasn’t giving my Butch his due. More important, we have to do this for the earth. Butch is right.
BUTCH
Of course, I’m right. What did I say? I’ll do my share for the grandchildren, even diapers. The trees we plant are for them and for us and whatever lives on this planet and trees are…
BETSY
We got it, even if we are almost all lectured out.
BUTCH
Right.
BOB
Beverly and I will go on real adventures- your adventures here are real too, realer - and come back occasionally to relieve the caretakers.
BEVERLY
And put balm on any itches that come up. If Bob promises some real adventure, I’m game. We’ll come back to visit of course, very often.
BETSY
Not too often, please. Just kidding. And to relieve the caretaker? That’s me? On second thought, join me but don’t relieve me. There’s plenty of adventure in what we’re doing right here and we’ll do it. There are adventures where you go too but let’s not confuse your canoe with this factory.
BEVERLY
Of course not. All of you, us, together, each separately, the tree bundle factory, raising kids. You know the expression. It takes a village to… (thinks) whatever.
BOB
To get it right. We’ll get it right.
END
Additional information
Preferred method of submission
Pay Rate
honorarium $200
Audition location
Bothell/ North Seattle WA
Submission instructions
Send resume to leonardgoodisman@gmail.com
Employement type
Part-time